Think about the emotions associated with divorce for adults – the anger, frustration, crushed expectations. It’s true – no one gets married thinking their love will end in court.
Now, imagine dealing with those realities as a kid. One minute you’re playing ghost in the graveyard, the next, wondering why mommy and daddy don’t love each other anymore.
Young or old, emotions are on overload. The best solution is to parent kids under the same rules and expectations. Unfortunately, this is not always the case with two divorced adults that (still) don’t see eye to eye. Which leaves the kids confused and opens the door for chaos.
When rules and expectations vary from home to home, the kids take note. One parent holds to a more “organic” bedtime, while the other wraps up the day at 8 p.m. sharp. One allows cell phones, the other doesn’t. One enforces chores, the other, not as many.
Moving a child from place to place gets them thinking … why can’t my favorite rules apply to both parents?
Then, the testing begins, often as soon as they return home. A lippy remark, a question about a rule that’s been in place (you think) forever. On a bad day, there’s a tearful meltdown and one really stressed out parent (and in my case, step-parent).
Looking for some transition tips? Here some ideas that really work for us:
Create a list of house rules and post in plain sight. Samples from our list – no talking back, listen first time, be kind, speak with respect, don’t argue with parents, don’t fight, and something really random – don’t feed the dog lots of treats. (It’s so funny I keep it on the list.)
Lock the windows and doors. Not literally, but figuratively. When kids come back from visiting the other parent, sit down as a family and review the house rules. It really clears up all the confusion about rules from house to house and reminds them that, nope, the rules haven’t changed in the last three days.
If a rule is broken, clearly state: “You’re breaking this house rule. Let’s go over the list again so you don’t lose any priveleges.”
Create a calm environment. Before the kids return, clean up the clutter, do the dishes, plan a nice meal. This creates a really nice scene to come home to.
Extra credit: tidy their rooms. Visits with the other parent are a great time to wash sheets and do some deep cleaning of clutter that’s been building up.
For the first night: keep expectations low. A fun weekend usually leaves the kids drained. Their sleep schedules are off track and they’re on sensory overload. Instead of expecting them to do a bunch of chores, give them a break. Keep tasks to a minimum. Save folding laundry and unpacking for tomorrow.
Spend time with them. Again, keep it simple. Watch a TV show together, read or simply talk.
Don’t save things for the night back. Finish must-dos like homework the day before a visit.
Most important: Tell them how happy you are to see them again. They are loved and missed.
Welcome home.
(photo by clappstar)
I have to admit that my heart dropped when I opened this blog today and saw the content of the post. I read this blog daily and usually find many good points, opinions and positive things related to marriage and how to keep it going in the face of constant obstacles. Nowadays its so easy to find information on how to deal with divorce and what to do when the marriage doesn’t work. So when I find information on how to make things work, I am excited and motivated to press on. Don’t get me wrong, I know the odds are against a marriage working out, and it may be a necessary evil to discuss the divorce matters since that is how the majority of marriages end, but can’t we just have one blog that abstains from the obvious? PLEEEEZE?
Yours Truly,
A marriage optimist
Hi Nicky – By no means is my post meant to say, “Hey, we make divorce work for us!” But a past divorce is a reality of my new marriage, so I’m simply sharing some tips that might be helpful to other step-parents trying to make their blended family work.
Thanks for reading and cheers, from one marriage optimist to another.
Melissa Gorzelanczyk
These are great points! As a blended family I see the importance of these ideas and how taking the extra time to incorporate them positively impacts our kids. I love how you take a situation that is not “ideal” and create a positive direction for parents to focus on. Thanks for sharing Melissa!
Thanks Susan! Feel free to add any pointers that I’m sure you’ve learned in your years of making a blended family work, too.
This post has got me thinking about that idea of constent parenting rules within a functioning marriage as well. Even in healthy marriages people don’t always see eye to eye about boundaries, etc. I’ve heard that exposure to different parenting styles can even be good for kids by making them more flexible and increasing their social instincts. There has to be a balance in there somewhere though; one parent can’t undermine the other. Thoughts about negotiating that fine line?
Well, I think in my case, it isn’t so much about undermining as it is simply not agreeing. I think it’s possible to parent kids in different ways without having to say, “Your birth parent is so ignorant for not enforcing MY rules.” I think the best way to handle the balance is to make sure the kids aren’t confused from house to house.
Does that make sense?
I opened this post and breathed a sigh of relief. SOMEone out there understands where I am coming from. Biing a step-mom…is difficult. Although I am definitely a marriage optimist…it’s great to read something that makes me feel not-alone in our blended family. Wonderful ideas and concepts. Thanks, Melissa!
Thanks, Kristi! I am also a marriage optimist, and over the years, Mr. Right is realizing that he is again, too.
Melissa,
I love your points for restoring/keeping harmony in the home after the child spends time with the other parent (or even a grandparent). Divorce, unfortunately, is a difficult reality to deal with, so we have to make the best of it.
The suggestion I really relate to is the “Tell them how happy you are to see them again. They are loved and missed.” That is so powerful and important to kids of any age.
Many years ago, it took us too much trial-and-error to reach some of your conclusions. How nice to share them with parents in a similar situation now.
As a child of divoce I would also add:
– don’t expect your kids to keep reassuring YOU that they love you. They may be angry and hurt and need space as well. Give them a moment to acclimate.
– talk to your kids, regularly, reassuring them that life will go on. But, don’t question them about every little thing about the other home.
– continue to do some of the things you have always done — going to baseball games, the park or whatever else you used to do. Physical and recreational consistency helps a lot. Good advice above about not over stimulating them, too.
– Remember divorce is an adult drama. Try to avoid spilling that drama over to your kids. Again, don’t overshare or make everything a family therapy session, espcially when they first arrive to whichever home.