Unlocking Your Sexual Potential
Do you know what it feels like to have your spouse do you – not just bringing you to orgasm or have intercourse – but really do you?
Do you know what it feels like to do your spouse?
The fine art of doing and being done.
At it’s core is power. And the fact is that negotiating power is part of every human relationship.
Almost everything in our society teaches equity, so do many therapists. The message they try to get across is this: the ideal partner is to be one of absolute equality in every area of the relationship.
I’ve got news for you – equity has no place when it comes to eroticism. The ability to take your partner (or be taken by them) embodies a lusty, lascivious eagerness for pleasure. This isn’t crudeness – quite the opposite – it’s a deliberate intent to arouse (and satisfy) passion.
If you’re one of the many who’ve yet to experience this level of passion and eroticism in marriage, or if you’ve had a taste of it but it faded over time, don’t worry. For most people, the eroticism and level of passion I’m talking about ripens in later life.
It involves tapping into the male and female energy found in a couple’s union. The Yin and the Yang, to use Eastern terms. When you tap into this within yourself and your spouse, you form the energy loop that Tantric sex has focused on for centuries.
This energy creates the “follow the connection” types of sexual encounters. The times when you feel like your spouse “knows” you completely and can send you over the edge whenever they choose to do so. In essence, they have power over you – and wielding this power produces an erotic pleasure within themselves.
Many people in our culture are afraid of this power. It’s labeled as bad or something dirty. It’s something Nice Guys and Nice Girls would never do. But, it’s an aspect of every one of us.
So how do you reach this level of eroticism and sexual passion?
The short answer is grow up and develop this part of you.
For many people, this part of themselves is yet to be born. If you think it has reached maturity in you, answer me this: When your partner really ticks you off, how do you react? Can you lovingly and passionately integrate the anger and aggression you feel towards your spouse and turn it into something useful and life-giving ? Or are you more likely to react to the anger and do anything you can to get away from your spouse? Can the fact that your spouse is different and separate from you be a turn on rather than a turn off?
Fully creating this part in your life involves learning how to acknowledge the aggression and anger towards your spouse (which is in all of us), soothing yourself, mastering yourself, and “growing” through the discomfort.
When we climb into bed with our spouse, we each carry different expectations, hopes, plans, and passions to the experience about to unfold.
Let’s face it, on a basic biological level men and women are different. Arousal, pleasure, eroticism, power, even orgasms are different.
Many men can be quite envious of a woman’s orgasm. Look at the differences between us, when a man has an orgasm, while the feeling is great it seems to pale in comparison to a woman’s. A woman is capable of full body orgasms. It seems to pulsate like waves throughout her entire body. Plus, and the biggest source of male envy, a woman is capable of wave after wave. A man has to have some recovery time. Just look at the different faces and expressions between the two sexes and you’ll get confirmation of the difference.
So rather than focus on the differences that separate you and your spouse, what if you brought more of yourself to the party? And they brought more of themselves?
Could you handle that?
Many of you will quickly reply … yes!
Really though?
Think about it this way, to my male readers, can you really handle a full grown woman? One who knows what she wants sexually and how she wants it? A woman in touch with her raw, animalistic nature? This will require more of you, perhaps MUCH more of you! It may mean that after you’ve experienced your orgasm you have to stay around for hers. It may me you have to submit to her power, or you have to over-power her and truly take her.
And to my female readers, are you ready for a full grown man? Someone in touch with his power, or what Robert Bly refers to as the deep male? A man in tune with his raw, animalistic nature? This too, will require more of you.
If you’re interested in creating this part of you and your relationship, here’s a few ideas to help get you started. Realize however, that this developing takes time and growth to be fully born out in your life and marriage.
- Slow down. This is the number one thing I tell every couple I work with when it comes to sex. I understand the desire to rush things, because the longer the process of sex lasts, the more likely some things will surface within you that are uncomfortable. Slow down. When the discomfort within you arises, face it head on.
- Breathe. Much like the previous point, spend some time throughout the entire process just breathing. Focus on your breathing, and matching your partner’s breathing.
- Speak up, but not with words. Use your body. Your movements. Your power. Watch each other feel the process. And let yourself be seen. Use words when needed for direction, but also use moans, groans … you get the idea.
Surrendering and growing into this part of you is no simple matter. Doing your spouse, or allowing yourself to be done, involves “standing on your own two feet.” It’s not forcing yourself on your spouse – it’s a letting go with your spouse.
Tapping into eroticism and new levels of passion requires tremendous personal integrity. It takes a great deal of integrity to face head on the demands and challenges of exploring your sexual potential.
But you know what? Every one of us has some untapped sexual potential just waiting to be discovered.
You can place two violins next to each other, pluck the string on one of them and the corresponding string on the other violin will vibrate. It recognizes its own wave. Marriage and sex can be the same. You and your spouse can resonate with each other, creating your own music together.
So what do you say? Don’t just make music with your spouse, create a symphony together!
Sources:
David Schnarch, Passionate Marriage
Esther Perel, Mating in Captivity
Corey is the editor of Simple Marriage as well as a licensed marriage & family therapist. While he has a Ph.D. in Family Therapy, he only occasionally likes to be called doctor. If you enjoyed this post, please subscribe so you don't miss any future posts.24 Responses to “Unlocking Your Sexual Potential”
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Corey,
This post was gripping, I couldn’t stop reading it. You brought some great concepts to light here! Our culture focuses so much on just doing the deed itself, that we do tend to forget the importance of simply growing up and developing ‘this’ part of ourselves.
My favourite part was this analogy:
“You can place two violins next to each other, pluck the string on one of them and the corresponding string on the other violin will vibrate. It recognizes its own wave. Marriage and sex can be the same. You and your spouse can resonate with each other, creating your own music together.”
Perhaps we all need to learn to take the time to create MUSIC as opposed to simply replaying the same old song.
So true that we need to move beyond playing the same old song. Variety is the spice of life. Not variety of partners, but variety of experiences with the same partner. Greatness!
Thanks for the comment.
Awesome post, Corey! I agree with everything you’ve stated here and agree that this ability to connect so deeply and erotically really grows over time.
I also find it quite fascinating how intertwined spirituality becomes with sex (as it should be) when intimacy is taken to this level. Like you said, it’s the essence of yin and yang in Eastern terms.
My own Catholic Church refers to these same powerful synergies in terms of masculinity and femininity. Most people would be shocked by the deep (and quite erotic) approach the Church professes for sexual intimacy in the The Theology of the Body (Pope John Paul II’s most famous work). It’s all about connecting at a soulful, unifying depth of love that can only be expressed through sex. This is the essence of what we talk about when we say two fleshes become “one.” It’s truly powerful and truly mysterious.
Awesome and incredibly important stuff, Corey!
Spirituality and sexuality are so intertwined. I love it that many of the couples I’ve talked with have also stated that it’s in their extremely intimate encounters with each other where they’ve felt God’s presence the most.
As a victim of domestic abuse, I’m really bothered by the terms “do me” or “do you” – as fun as it sounds, it’s way to much like being truly F***ed to entertain. I would encourage you to actually desire to “make love” to your partner every time. Sex can be fun and even entertaining, but should never be used for mere entertainment between couples. I think it’s spiritually and emotionally destructive to miss the opportunity to connect for the chance at mere physical pleasure. You can still be sexy, still enjoy and have fun while connecting during sex. If it’s really love, your partner will be interested in pleasing you – not ‘doing you.’
The idea of doing and being done is not intended as something crude or demeaning, but it does refer to a power within each of us. This power can be used in destructive ways as well as healthy ways.
The power I’m referring to is the willingness to participate in the giving and receiving of pleasure. We each have the ability to provide pleasure to someone else, and receive pleasure. To receive pleasure requires a willingness to allow another person to provide it – and this is sometimes scary because it’s a giving of yourself to another person’s power.
I believe sex can be mere entertainment AND/OR connection. That’s the elegance of marital sex. It can be whatever the two willing participants want it to be!
You say “grow up and develop this part of you.” I contend that this part of you is something you had to grow out of. You can go to any High School dance, party, etc. and find lots and LOTS of people who want to ‘get done’ and ‘do you.’ If you want to feel complete, if you want to fill those empty spaces inside of you that you know you can’t fill on your own, grow up and realize that sex, isn’t just about the physical pleasure, it’s about the same things that marriage is about: sacrifice, hope, joy, grief, pain, communication, connection and growth. If you want to grow up, maybe you need to get past the same ideas about sex that teenagers have.
The concept of doing and being done I’m discussing is far beyond sex for sex’s sake. And it’s almost impossible for teenagers to even come close to this level of passion and connection.
It’s not physical pleasure alone, I’m talking about a deeper part of us. The part that contains our eroticism, passion, desire, longing, and deep connecting with another human being. This is the part that’s difficult to develop. This is the part that is sometimes raw power while still being tender and compassionate. This is the part that we can see in our partner when we connect behind the eyeballs. It’s also the part that we sometimes don’t want to show to our partner because it’s too vulnerable.
But your approach is like black people using the N word to each other then being offended when someone outside their race uses it. Either the term is childish, which I think it is, and lends itself to childish machinations, or it is not. I think the idea and the word is childish, and instead of using it, you should find a more mature way to address the concept you are trying to convey. Why don’t you try “making love” instead? Since when was that not ‘complete’ enough of a concept to use?
And why isn’t ‘making love’ sexy, fun or erotic that you have to use ‘do me’ to incite ‘sexy’ images.
What I’m writing about today is a small piece of a bigger idea. This is all framed within this idea – http://www.simplemarriage.net/build-a-better-marriage-its-time-to-grow-up.html.
What a magical post Corey. Your terminology is spot on – it’s the total and utter release, trust and magnitude of making love in a more passionate and as you say animalistic form.
This isn’t about teenage sex bent on lust and discovery of the act itself, this is sex which allows discovery of self …. self as a whole being, the willingness to be vulnerable and be done without fear. Having turned 50 with adult children and no intent to reproduce, I’ve now gained enough self esteem and confidence to truly let myself go.
Unless others have tried this, or tantra practice it’s unlikely that they will ‘get’ the concept you’re describing.
Thanks Faye- it’s true that this develops most often later in life, when a person is becoming more “comfortable in the our skin” – wrinkles and all!
A comment for “I hate being a victim”:
PART of an “Unbelievable, Mind Blowing” Conection between your spouse is Passionate ENTERTINMENT! And SEXY Talk! And INTIMATE Looks,Kisses,Moans,Touches, and Smiles, ect… It sound like you never really overcame your Abuse because you are picking small pieces of the article that has been used at one point in your life to abuse or hurt you and if you can you would really understand this article is many bits and pieces which MUST be used in the right way- like sexy talk, for example, could be demeaning or extremely arousing (used the wrong way would be destructive), ALL Together will guide you into becoming the most Passionate, Sensative, Kindest, Most Giving, Thoughtful Lover most people never become!
Very thought-provoking, Corey!
I understand some readers’ hesitation over the term “doing” each other. It generally refers to impersonal, uncommitted act, and so it’s hard to grasp at a new, meaningful way of understanding the term. I myself stumbled over it every time, thinking “What exactly does he mean here? Surely he doesn’t mean it in the traditional sense.” It might take me a couple of readings to really get it.
That being said, I thought this was a great post. I have never, ever heard the argument that to achieve better sex you need to grow up — to become more fully masculine/feminine, confident, and in touch with your raw sexuality. I like it. I’m going to need some time to digest it. Thanks for a fresh, vital perspective!
You know me Kathleen- everything’s all about growing up.
Thanks.
I’m with Kathleen on the way the words made me stop and re-frame a bit- but what a great concept about growing up and truly embracing our internal sexual powers of love and resonance. Great post, except I’m so tired right now, I think I need to go back and review yesterday’s article about feeling sexy when I’m not!
This is a fantastic post! Would it be possible to reprint it on our website, with links back to your blog? We have a very similar goal. Ian and Alicia
Woo Hoo Corey! Super post!
I agree that the older I get the better sex is! I love it when my hub takes me and throws me on the bed and says he wants me. I could stop it if I wanted but why would I want to? His animal-ness is intoxicating. There are times when I throw him on the bed too. It’s awesome!! There are different kinds of sex and this is one of them. I think it goes to what you said in a past post by asking what is your reason for having sex. Sometimes it’s for connection, release, tenderness, but sometimes it is for raw roaring romping!
I’ve come a long way baby! (And glad of it!)
I love love love that the marriage bed is undefiled. It leaves so much room for a husband and wife to truly know and be known by one another. It means that married sex can be hot and wild, soft and tender, close and comfortable, raw and edgey, filled with fun and laughter, silent or loud.
Fantastic post Corey! I’ll be linking!
I enjoy the fine art of doing and being done. Having had enough sex to say that is key for me. There are many times when Alisa and I make love. It’s amazing, but being done by my spouse is euphoric. At it’s core is the raw power that Alisa has to sexually satisfy both of us and it’s…I can’t even describe it.
As a husband there is nothing that excites me more than when Alisa initiates and when she takes control (doing me).
Great post Corey.
I am intrigued how the same words invoke such a wide variety of strong responses in different people.
Personally, I’m all for being done and for doing. I see exactly what you’re getting at, Corey, I agree totally. Mind-blowing sex happens when we get past the idea of equal “power sharing” and into the space of “power exchange,” where we can actually reach into each other’s sexual space. I love the idea of bringing your totally grown up sexual self to the marriage bed, getting completely “naked without shame,” which is the state for which we were originally created back in Genesis. Time to drop the fig leaves, so to speak. Of course getting to the place where you hold nothing back requires an atmosphere of complete mutual trust, where you feel safe and accepted as you are.
And you are so right about this being more than a physical act. It is a whole-being kind of thing: mental, emotional, physcial and spiritual.
Good stuff!!
I think you are dead on about power – the best sex only occurs when we give our partner power over us. I think a lot of men cheat themselves, and their wife, by not letting her have power of him sexually. They are performing, they are doing, they are in control – and that means he is not getting the kind of mind blowing and heart connecting sex that he could have.
Corey,
I mentioned this post and included a link to it here:
http://confessionsofalovingwife.com/2010/03/loving-marriage-communicating-intimacy-communication/