Values to Live By
Values.
What do they mean to you?
When was the last time you considered the values that make up your character?
Are you trustworthy, loyal, fair, honorable or patient?
Are your friends and family proud of who you are? Why or why not?
What can you do to improve?
What are values?
Values are the ideals or principles of a given society and the personal qualities considered worthwhile or desirable. They are different for each of us and can vary from person to person and even for each person from one time to another.
We learn our values from our families, friends, religion and community. In turn, the people we associate with learn values from us as well. Are your loved ones learning the values that you want them to adopt? The world is moving so quickly that we need to ensure that our families and children understand what values are important to us.
Consider these quotes:
Education without values, as useful as it is, seems rather to make man a more clever devil. ~ C. S. Lewis
As a man, I’ve been representative of the values I hold dear. And the values I hold dear are carryovers from the lives of my parents. ~ Sidney Poitier
What values are important to you?
Think of the traits you admire most in someone close to you, such as a parent or a best friend.
Do you share those same values? Most often, we tend to share similar values with the people with whom we associate. Obviously, that can be good or bad. With young people, it is especially important that they choose their companions wisely.
When I conduct writing workshops for high school students, one of the most frequently requested topics is Personal Values. It is always an illuminating exercise to have the students check off the values that are important to them. One person may select almost all of the values in the list, while others cannot seem to relate to more than one or two. What does that tell us about their character?
How are you passing your values on to your family?
Your actions speak louder than words. If you want your kids to be honest, what are you teaching them by your actions? Do you tell little white lies from time to time, fudge the numbers a bit on your taxes or fail to point out when a cashier gives you too much change?
If your faith is important to you, do you practice it with your family? Do you attend services regularly, or only when it is convenient or a major event, such as Easter or Christmas? If you ran into your minister, priest, imam or rabbi on the street, would he/she recognize you? Better yet, would you recognize them in their “street clothes?”
Children look up to their parents and tend to emulate their actions, whether we realize it or not. As an example, consider your reaction when a 4-year-old drops something and lets out a short curse. Will it be a mild expletive or something stronger that they’ve heard you say? With luck, it takes only a time or two for the parent to realize how much “little ears” pick up from us.
When my grandson expressed his frustration about something by using Daddy’s favorite swear word, Daddy and Mommy both started using a new preference of “Oh, snap!” At first, it struck me as pretty funny, but I was proud to see that exercising their values helped them to teach their children what was acceptable behavior.
It isn’t easy to be a role model for our children, but it is crucial if we want to pass on our values to them. So the next time you are tempted to cut an ethical corner or use words that you don’t want them to repeat, keep in mind that your kids are watching and listening.
Exercises on Values
Try these simple exercises on values. Look at this list of sample values and select the ones that are most important to you, or at least a few to start with. There is no right answer. In fact, your personal values may not even be on this list.
SAMPLE VALUES
[column width="30%" padding="5%"] activism
authenticity
boldness
can do attitude
charity
chivalry
cleanliness
communication
confidence
courage
creativity
curiosity
dignity
diversity
empathy
endurance
enthusiasm
excitement
fairness
faith
friendship[/column] [column width="30%" padding="5%"] genuineness
God
gratitude
hard work
helpfulness
honor
hope
humility
independence
innovation
integrity
interest in others
inventiveness
joie de vivre
joyfulness
kindness
lifelong learning
listening
love
loyalty
motivation [/column] [column width="30%" padding="0"] nonviolence
open mindedness
organization
participation
patience
persistence
positive
attitude
pride (not ego)
promptness
quality
resilience
resourcefulness
respect
responsibility
self-esteem
sense of honor
sense of humor
social skills
supportiveness
tradition
work ethics [/column]
Your Personal Values
- Which values are most important to you? Why?
- From whom did you learn these values? How?
- Which values do you admire in people around you? Why?
- In what ways do you act on your values?
- How do your values help you make difficult decisions?
Once you have identified some of your own values and contemplated their importance to you, take the opportunity to open up a dialog with your family members. Discuss the importance of values with them and share your own experiences.
If you could instill three values into the people around you, what would they be? I’d love to get your feedback on which values YOU consider important.
Photo courtesy thinkpublic
Beth is an author, Personal Historian and international speaker. She teaches people from 8 to 98 how to have fun writing their own family stories and discovering their heritage. Her book, Granny's Guide to Fun & Fabulous Family Stories, is available at www.bethlamie.com, plus free teleclasses and a monthly newsletter with tips to get started. Her blog shares easy ways to involve the entire family. Read her full bio here.
I often find I can uncover my values by noticing what gets me angry. There is usually a pretty good chance that something I value has just been stepped on. I would have to say that my own top three right now are connection, laughter and mindful speech!
Pearl, you are absolutely right that what angers us often reflects our own values. Your top three are all important ones that may vary from time to time. Thanks for commenting.
Excellent post!
My three: Love God; Demonstrate love and respect toward others; And maintain a healthy attitude.
LaLa, thanks for commenting. You have mentioned some very thoughtful values. I especially like your “healthy attitude.”
Big ones for me on this list: love, learning, resilience, open mindedness. I think Pearl is onto something with noticing what gets us angry. Makes me realize I have also adopted two of my father’s big ones: resourcefulness and responsibility. They don’t give me as much pleasure as the others do, but people who lack these values can really tick me off.
Patty, as we reach a certain age, many of our parents’ values often become more important to us. Also, I’ve noticed that as I get older, I tend to have less tolerance for people who are not respectful of others. Sadly, that applies not only to youngsters but to older people as well.
Great article, Beth…thanks for making me think!
When I first looked at the list of values I thought: ooo, there are so many to choose from, I won’t be able to decide. Then I easily selected MY top 3 values: sense of humour (adjusted for Canadian spelling), independence and authenticity. (oh – and learning and enthusiasm and positive attitude and kindness and…OK, maybe not so easy…)
However, the 3 I want to instill in others around me are completely different: open-mindedness, love and responsibility. (Patty N: I adopted my Dad’s whole “responsibility thing” too. What fun. Thanks a lot, Dad.)
Patty K, if my post made you think, that is just fair turn-about since your posts always make me think. I love your humoUr, so glad to see that as one of your values. I like to hear about people’s values to instill in others, which are often different from our own.
Great article! I especially appreciate the list of values to jump-start my thinking. The other day someone I know and respect asked me if a difficult decision I had made was consistent with my values. I responded with a definitive “yes.” But then the person asked me what my values were, and I couldn’t quite articulate them on the spot. The length of your list and it’s specificity help considerably!
Kerry Ann,
So glad that my list helped you focus on your own values. What started out as an exercise for myself ended up becoming a writing workshop that I do for high school groups. I want to encourage them to think about what is important to them and how they can best share those values with others.
Dating relationships can shed a light on our values, too. (For example, respect is a BIG one for me. If a guy undermines what I like or what I deem important, it bothers me.) The last two guys I dated taught me a good bit about what I need and want in a relationship.
Carrie, that’s a good point about dating relationships revealing our values. Many years ago, I briefly dated someone who turned out to be dishonest. Whetehr it was trying to scam a restaurant for a free meal or stiffing the waitress, I learned I couldn’t abide his values. If I had stayed with him, my own values would have been seriously compromised.
Great article; so glad I found this website! My three values would be Faith, Compassion, and Authenticity. Personally, my faith is very important to me and I think that if I can’t relate to someone on a spiritual level (my deepest level) it’s hard to truly know each other. I want to teach my kids how to take care of people and have compassion without judgement. And I am all about authentic, transparent conversations where you can honestly share life with another.
Sarah, I’m really tickled that you found this site, too. Corey & everyone have some amazing thoughts to share, so I think you’ll get a lot out of it. The values you are working to teach your kids are wonderful.
I love the value exercise. I’ve often used something like that with new entrepreneurial partners so that they have the opportunity to understand each other and the business they are starting. I have them sort the list into three groups. Then keep the top group. Then sort it again, etc. By the time they are finished, they have picked their top three values. I am always amazed at the insights that they gain about themselves and their partner when they are forced to choose between values.
Thanks for the idea of using it in a marriage. Duh. Perfect.
Neil, I like how you’ve used a list of values to pare down the top three. Doing it with business partners could be a real eye-opener for everyone involved, but it is always useful in a relationship. As usual, the more we know about someone’s values, the more we know about their true character.
The value that I really feel in the forefront of my life right now is respect. My parents instilled that in me and all my siblings from an early age- always to show everyone respect regardless of age, race, intellect, appearance-. You just never know who they really are- like the sorceress in peasant’s clothing you read of in fairy tales, people always have something surprising hidden beneath their outward appearance, something valuable to share, something you won’t get to see if you simply write them off. I also feel like this sense of respect is often missing or eroding- that we assume we know better, or are better than others, or we have more to offer, and do not need what others are trying to bring to the table. Maybe this feeling seems more acute now that many people are simply in survival mode because of the many crisis that are facing our society (which is true of so many values). It is a great time to reassess. Thank you, and everyone with their previous posts!
Rebecca,
Sometimes I dream about how much better our world could be if we all learned to show respect for others. You are right that values suffer when things get bad, like the economy. Perhaps if we can get people to consider the values that are important to them, we can improve our own lives just a little.
Beth!
Great work, well said. I use something like this when I have others look at “Beyond Goal Setting”. I think to decide on goals that are “right” for us we need to know what we value – to look at the choices/options; translate our desires; and to give of your self respectfully and with value.
My three at this moment are : creativity, joyfulness, and resourcefulness.
Edith,
That makes great sense to incorporate values with goal setting. Otherwise, what we think we want may be in conflict with who we really are. I saw a terrific poster yesterday at our local shopping mall that was aimed at teeneagers but applies to everyone:
Show respect
To earn respect
That happens to mesh with one of the most relevant values, in my opinion, which is respect. We need to be respectful of each other and ourselves.
Thanks so much for your kind remarks.