Want A Better Marriage? Let’s Start The Bidding
Editor’s Note: This post is by Simple Marriage contributor Mary Ann Crossno.
What happened between you and your spouse in the first ten minutes of your day today?
Did you turn toward your partner, away from your partner or against your partner?
Bids are the glue that keeps us connected to people we love. Our response to bids is either a lubricant, an irritant, or a bomb.
Turning toward your partner’s bid is the lubrication that makes our connections seem effortless, smooth, and dynamic. Turning away from your partner’s bids is like hair going down the drain – you hardly notice until they pile up and clog the drain. Turning against your partner’s bids is like dropping rocks in the drain – things will back up and overflow quickly.
How do you interact with your spouse in the mundane moments of life? If you’re a happy couple, you can be making bids for connection at the rate of 100 times in ten minutes. Did you catch that? 100 times in ten minutes!
Here’s a few exchanges that may have occurred:
Good morning, sweetheart. Did you sleep well?
I always sleep well next to you.
I get tired of you asking me that question every morning.
How can I sleep well with you snoring like a freight train and sweating like a pig?
What’s your day like today?
I’m booked all day.
[No answer.]
Why do you want to know?
Can I get you some more coffee?
Thanks, I’m good right now.
I’ll get it myself.
Every time you get me coffee, you make a mess.
I’m going to the gym.
See you in a bit. Don’t work too hard.
That’s a waste of time.
You’ve been going for years and you still look fat to me.
Honey, come and look at the colors in the sky this morning.
Let me grab my coffee first.
[Walks in the other room.]
Don’t you have something better to do than look at the sky?
My flowers are in full bloom.
You worked so hard to get those planted this year.
My car needs oil.
We could have spent that money on something that lasts.
How we relate to one another determines how well our lives function – both externally and internally. More and more science points to the quality of relationships as a major player in health and longevity.
Connecting bids are so subtle you may not even notice them. They come in all sizes and shapes – verbal, non-verbal, physical, intellectual, sexual or non-sexual.
Turning toward our partners can be a nod, a smile, , a touch, or a one word answer – these are all ways of acknowledging a bid, of saying, “You matter and I hear you.” We can be more responsive by offering our opinion, stating our thoughts, or expressing our feelings. High energy responses might be full of enthusiasm, empathy.
Turning away from our partners happens when we ignore, disregard, and interrupt – these are all ways of avoiding bids, of saying “I don’t want to connect with you.”
Turning against our partners comes out in the form of contempt, belligerence, contradictions, domineering, critical, and defensive reactivity. Turning against is the four horsemen of the apocalypse in full force – over time turning against will kill your marriage.
Take a minute to mentally review your morning with your spouse.
If the direction you turned is not the direction you want your marriage to go, do something different, right now. Make amends – use the five steps to a genuine apology. Make a bid of your own.
Don’t try – Do or Don’t Do!
You can take Dr. Gottman’s brief quiz to assess your style of bidding.
*Gottman, J. M. (2001). The Relationship Cure. NY: Three Rivers Press
Mary Ann is a marriage and family therapist, and a writer. She returned to college at the ripe age of 52, completed her bachelor’s and master’s degrees in four years, and is Cajun thru and thru. If you're not sure what that means, come by her house whenever family is around - you'll figure it out.16 Responses to “Want A Better Marriage? Let’s Start The Bidding”
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Nice post! I like your ideas about turning toward, away, or against.
I do have a question. You said that happy couples are making 100 bids in 10 minutes. That is one bid every six seconds. How is that possible? Are there no pauses in the conversation? Are you referring to non-verbal cues as well? Where did that number come from?
I find that knowing when my spouse wants to be silent is just as important as knowing what to say.
The ideas belong to Dr. John Gottman who is the guru of marriage research. You are correct – the bids include non-verbal cues as well.
The data comes from Dr. Gottman’s apartment lab at the University of Washington, where he and his team of researchers study how people interact with one another under everyday circumstances. Couple’s interactions are recorded using video, heart rate monitors, pulse amplitude, jitteriness and skin conductivity.
I think that it’s more accurate to state that “a happy couple CAN BE making as many as 100 bids every ten minutes”. Your quietness is turning toward your wive’s bid for silence.
Thanks for the thorough read and the chance to be clearer.
Great! Thanks for clarifying.
Mary Ann,
I am growing to love your posts. The specific examples of words that we use, and the whole concept of turning toward, turning away, and turning against are wonderful reminders of how I want to and can choose to behave. Stumbled!
I like this post because it’s all about the small things. I think that I can often ignore the bids (turn away) but then make up for it all by bidding toward my husband on my time in my way. The small things really do direct our path in marriage. This is a great reminder about that truth.
Thanks! I’m hosting a guest blog about small things at http://www.burningbushes.org
I loved this!! I read your post every morning, but this is the first one i have decided to comment on…
I am not maried, but i have a boyfriend with whom i live with, and MY two small children. Every morning, when we wake up, we turn towards each other in bed and spend 5 minutes talking about the sleep we had and what our day entails for that particular day. And i must tell you, this is the best relationship i have ever had!! Those 5 mintues may be short, but they are personal and just for us!
Thanks for a wonderful post. Lately, I’ve been blogging about re-connecting with my husband. We’re a happy, healthy couple, but kids, the economy, and “blah blah blah” sometimes get in the way of our togetherness. I like the way you described the 3 bids. It’s so true that it’s the little things that mean so much!
Daphne, Thanks for the Stumble! I’m enjoying your happiness series . . . and I’m still working on the challenge of defining myself through my life’s creed.
Nicole, Truly it’s the little things that create the big things in life. No one every gained or lost 20 pounds in a day, or week, or month. Most gains an losses, are the result of simple repeated choices to be different IN THE MOMENT. That’s the key – the only time we can change ourselves is IN THE MOMENT. We can think about what we wish we had done different in the past, or plan how we will be different in the future, but change is in the here and now.
Brenda, Welcome as a first time commenter. Hope to hear more from you. Such a small thing, those five minutes, and what a difference they make in your day.
Kirwin,
It’s the little things that make and break us. Sometimes all it take to reconnect is to be intentional about the turning toward.
HI EVERYONE…I’LL BE MARRIED 16 YEARS THIS SATURDAY 28TH OF MARCH…WE ARE STILL TOGETHER BUT IT HAS BEEN A VERY HARD 16 YEARS. WE KEEP STUMBLING BUT I HAVE HOPE FOR US..
I READ THE POSTS EVERY MORNING AND TRY TO UTILIZE THEM AS TOOLS IN MY MARRIAGE. AS EVERYONE HAS SAID JUST THE SMALLEST OF THINGS CAN CREATE THE BIGGEST THINGS IN LIFE.
I never thought of these types of connections in such a systematic way. The hub and I are much improved in this bidding department than we use to be. I find the better our repationship is, the more I touch him i.e. a rub on the back as I pass his way. It’s kind of a viscious cycle. The better I feel about our relationship, the more I bid, the better I feel about our relationship. I guess the most challenging thing is being aware of how you’re bidding so that what you say and do will boost your relationship even though you may not feel the best about what is going on with your relationship at the time.
I’ve been reading SMP for a quite some time. The posts are all positive and helpful, but this one illuminates how to interact on the simplest and often overlooked level.
While I’m not presently married, but every relationship in my life has been uplifted through improving life skills with SMP wisdom.
I tell everyone who will listen about The Simple Marriage Project.
Laurie, Great point! Bids are a positive feed cycle – whatever you put in, positive or negative, is what you will get more of. It’s key to be tuned in not only to the bids you are giving, but to be aware of the ways your partner bids for connection with you and your response to those bids.
Bonnie, Thanks for promoting SM – and for realizing that the thoughts about relationships are universal – not just for married people!
The small things matter. A lot. I know that back when I was married, I was turning away or turning against all the time–and by the time I turned it around, it was way, way too late! It was so ingrained in me to turn away when I’d been feeling ignored, or to turn against when I was feeling threatened, but that is just adding more fuel to the fire that’s burning your house down.
I love ur column, pls do connect me . cheers