Warning: Compromising In Your Marriage May Ruin It
How does compromise play out your marriage?
One thing I constantly hear is that a good relationship must involve compromise. Pretty much every relationship book or expert out there agrees on this.
So we’re all on the same page, the dictionary defines compromise as: an agreement or a settlement of a dispute that is reached by each side making concessions.
I define compromise as each party goes away equally unhappy.
I don’t believe in compromise.
When you get right down to what happens in most every marriage, most people don’t compromise, they cave.
Most people, especially Nice Guys, pleasers, and fixers, give in to others as a way to manage their own anxiety and discomfort with conflict. They also give in hoping that it will make their partner happy. The problem is that they’ve just done damage to themselves and the relationship.
Any time either partner walks away from a compromise even just a little bit unhappy, they have done damage to the relationship.
This sets the stage for unspoken, but expected reciprocity.
I bet you’ve had these same thoughts as I have, “I gave in and we went to visit your parents even though I didn’t want to, so I’m expecting some sex to make up for it.” Or, “You got to go play golf on Saturday so you better make up for it by helping out more around the house.”
In the classic exchange based type of relationship, where giving is expected to be returned in kind, you will fall victim to keeping score – and no relationship will ever be “fair” or equal when viewed this way.
Instead, the lack of reciprocation will create frustration and disappointment. And these little bricks of disappointment will build up over time and become a wall of resentment.
True compromise can only occur when two equally powerful people both clearly state their needs. Let me say this again: True compromise can only occur when two equally powerful people both clearly state their needs.
From this place, an elegant solution can arise that is satisfactory to both partners.
Strong, grown up people don’t cave. They can put the needs and wants of the people they care about ahead of their own, but they do this from a differentiated and non-attached place, not a place of anxiety management or approval seeking.
The next time you are tempted to compromise in your marriage, ask yourself this, “Am I acting with love and integrity, or merely caving to keep the peace?”
(photo source)
Corey is the editor of Simple Marriage as well as a licensed marriage & family therapist. While he has a Ph.D. in Family Therapy, he only occasionally likes to be called doctor. If you enjoyed this post, please subscribe so you don't miss any future posts.24 Responses to “Warning: Compromising In Your Marriage May Ruin It”
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[...] Warning: Compromising In Your Marriage May Ruin It : I agree with Corey 100% on this one – “I define compromise as each party goes away equally unhappy.” Great article on why compromise is usually a cop-out (my words). [...]
Amen. You hit the nail on the head. We late bloomer brides are often accused of not compromising “enough.” Perhaps we are a tad more stubborn because we’ve had our own way for so long. But, the line that grabbed me: “Any time either partner walks away from a compromise even just a little bit unhappy, they have done damage to the relationship.” The Imago relationship theory also promotes communicating so powerfully that a “third way” can emerge. Finding something that supports both of you is the way to go. Bravo!
Thanks for this. There is such a fine line between caving and putting the needs of other ahead of our own. This is what I try to do as a husband. my ultimate goal is to be a Better Husband and help my wife be happy. I always try to put my wife’s needs ahead of my own – even when I don’t want to or its hard to. Does this mean I am caving?….maybe:/
great post! You always get me thinking!
wow… I can completely see how this is true, but I will honestly say I have no idea how to enact this in my marriage. I suppose it means I am not grown up enough (which I will agree to to a degree). But really — great suggestion/idea but… no idea how to use it. :0
A compromise doesn’t mean that one has to be unhappy. I gladly make sacrifices in order to make my wife and child happy, simply because I’m happy to see them happy.
“Any time either partner walks away from a compromise even just a little bit unhappy, they have done damage to the relationship.”
I don’t fully agree with this. I think one has to examine why one is feeling unhappy when a settlement is reached to resolve an argument. Sometimes, that feeling of unhappiness just stems from the fact that one is just being selfish and petty about not being able to do as you please. In this regard, its not the relationship that’s damaged, but just the pride and ego. And if he/she realises that, then congrats is in order! He/She has just grown up a little.
Hey I agree with your take on this post! You are right!
I absolutely loved the post, especially this:
“They can put the needs and wants of the people they care about ahead of their own, but they do this from a differentiated and non-attached place, not a place of anxiety management or approval seeking.”
The difference might seem subtle but I really think it is very important.
I like this post. I think is something I have believed in for a long time. But I’ve found it very hard to convince my partner. I think that NO one of them should walk away unhappy. Unless its a win / win, then its a lose / lose in a relationship. If its a win/lose in a relationship, then the relationship loses and ultimately both lose in this way. I’m married to a pleaser, and unfortuantely I’ve built up quite a wall of disappointment in response to his refusal to discuss things that bit further. I hate it whenever either of us lose out. But his need for peace and quiet over-rules his desire for negotiation.
I accept that we won’t necessarily agree on everything but still have the need to talk it thruogh to the point of “being happy” with the outcome. Is this possible?
I really like this post, Corey. It’s true that a power shift is not healthy in marriage. Thanks for sharing this point of view!
While reading this I was reminded of the idea of filling your love-tank, as described in The Five Love Languages. My husband and I read this book together while we were engaged, and for a while we would frequently ask each other if our love-tanks were full. Now, we don’t ask so much, but the idea behind our actions is still there.
It’s all about the attitude. Am I giving and expecting to receive something of “equal value” in return? Or am I using what means I have to full his love tank?
When compromise does become necessary due to a disagreement, it’s important that we learn not to cave on the points that are very important to us. (Just rephrasing what I read in your post – It’s a good point)
This whole article doesn’t make sense.
You said you don’t believe in compromise, but your reason was because people don’t compromise they cave. So basically you don’t believe in caving. Newsflash dude, no one does.
We do, however, believe in compromise.
The problem Jay, many people confuse compromise with caving. They think they’re compromising but they’re not. The real test, if you compromise on something only to later be upset that you did, do you “take it out on” your spouse or yourself.
I chose to go to my wife’s work party and hated most of it. I could either blame her for making me go (which she didn’t) or myself for choosing to go.
There’s consequences to every decision, and compromise causes the most damage when done to try and keep the peace at all cost.
This post is so true.
I tend to cave all the time to try and make my husband happy. He has a bit of a short fuse and sometimes I would rather compromise and do or not do certain things to avoid or end an argument. I do start to resent him because it seems I am always giving and he then looks selfish in my eyes.
I know it’s not the right thing to do, but I have no idea how to change it. :/
The way to do this is to be assertive. Explain to him how it makes you feel when he reacts harshly. Talk to him when he is calm. Sometimes it helps to hold hands while the two of you talk about something that is bothering you. Make a plan together for what you will do when he becomes upset and try to stick to it when situations happen. Perhaps counseling could help.
I am describing feeling the same way as Stef. Though I know in reality it goes both ways w/ my wife and me….
Oh, don’t get me wrong, I certainly have my faults as well…. (don’t we all)
If you don’t compromise, then what are you supposed to do then?
Speak up for your own desires and wants. If you decide to adjust and follow your spouse in order to follow their wants and then later feel upset because you did what they wanted to do, don’t blame them, you chose to follow them that time.
When you have something happen in marriage where neither wants to give up their desires or wants, do something separate and invite them along.
A simple example: “Do you want to go out for Chinese or Italian tonight?” If you make a proposal or two and your spouse finds fault with all of them but won’t make a counter-proposal of their own, tell them what you are going to do, invite them to join you, and then do it whether they follow or not.
As you mentioned in paragraph one, the key to true, profitable compromise is, “if you decide to adjust and follow your spouse…don’t blame them, you chose to follow them that time.” THAT is maturity, both emotional and spiritual. “Love keeps no record of wrongs…”
In your last paragraph, I can see where this kind of tactic would cause a non-decision maker to make a decision, but it seems highly manipulative ~ especially if you know your partner is more submissive. It seems as though, while this may work in some marriages, this could be very damaging in others.
Ha. Maybe this speaks to our maturity level (possible) or some underlying problem in our relationship (possible) but in my marriage that Chinese/Italian example would >not fly<. I can't be out of her sight during non-work (so it seems), _especially_ doing something I might enjoy (eating at a restaurant I like) without her. (Frustrating sidenote specific to _this_ example is that most restaurants I *really* like she hates, or acts so.).
So, nice try, and maybe it's something ELSE I need to work on, but that
would.
not.
work.
in my relationship. Sadly.
Interesting point… never saw it as not actually compromising at all but simply caving.. I have done that a few time though it is more a keep the peace than I am keeping count thing. Good food for thought!
Hi Corey,
I think our general understanding of – and attitude towards – relationships is unhealthy.
I personally don’t believe that partners should put their partner’s interests above their own, or that it’s noble to make compromises and sacrifices to please others, whether from a strong or weak standpoint.
If you make a sacrifice – and see it as such – it will create tension, whether between you and your partner, or you and yourself.
A sacrifice means giving up something you value for something you don’t (or, at least, value less). In most situations it’s giving up something you value for something your partner values. That’s an equation that shouldn’t exist in relationships.
The foundation of our relationships should be: The happiness of both partners, together.
If partners live separate lives, then no relationship exists. And if one partner is happy while the other isn’t, then that’s not a healthy relationship.
When I’m put in a situation where I have to do something I don’t like for my wife’s sake (i.e. to contribute to her happiness), I don’t see that as a sacrifice, because – in that situation – her happiness contributes to mine.
It’s a decision that’ll make me happy, my wife happy and our relationship stronger.
It’s not about “my” decision and “your” decision, “his” decision and “her” decision. Marriage isn’t a tug of war. Instead, it’s about making the relationship contribute to making us both happy.
When we get into arguments, I don’t recall all the times I’ve made sacrifices, because I don’t remember any. Not because I’ve never gone with “her” decision, but because I don’t see going by “her” decision as a compromise, or a sacrifice of my own happiness.