Comments on: Warning: Compromising In Your Marriage May Ruin It

By: Corey

Corey — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 14:38:20 +0000

What you are facing isn’t a chance for compromise, because what it sounds like is a compromise would be him giving up his dogs, which seem very important to him. He’s made it clear he’s not interested in giving them up … correct? So the issue you’re facing is are you willing to be with him knowing this?

Welcome to gridlock. Read here (http://www.simplemarriage.net/how-to-break-free-of-marital-gridlock.html) and here (http://www.simplemarriage.net/marital-gridlock-and-growing-up.html) for more.

By: Anita

Anita — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 12:03:58 +0000

Please give me some advise. My partner and I split up because he doesn’t want to compromise re his 2 dogs. I’ve moved out some 5 months ago, and in the past 5 months we tried to work things out 3 times with no luck. He just doesn’t compromise. The dogs 2 Poodles can just do what they want and seeing that I’m not a dog person just can’t live with them in the house. We still love each other deeply and we are both so so unhappy and are heart broken. We lived together for 18 months without any fights, just the dogs issues which I feel he can support me in by compromising. I just can’t get over him but I just can’t handle the dogs.

Please help with some advice please!!!

By: denise

denise — Mon, 17 Jan 2011 12:55:24 +0000

My husband is contolling, selfish and always twist things around and we argue over petty things and he always move out the house for 1 to 2 weeks and live with his sister and he say its because we need space and I told him that he need to stay home and try to work it out. I was told that what you compromise to keep you lose so now he wants to come back but he still havent changed. but I love him and wants my marriage to work but he refuses to seek counseling. so if I let him come back with the same mind set I would be compromising to keep him and at the same time I would be unhappy so does that mean I will eventually lose him since I compromise to keep him. what should I do?

By: Marc

Marc — Tue, 21 Dec 2010 15:46:54 +0000

Nothing a good bottle of wine per day can’t solve!

By: Haider

Haider — Sun, 18 Jul 2010 12:45:17 +0000

Hi Corey,

I think our general understanding of – and attitude towards – relationships is unhealthy.

I personally don’t believe that partners should put their partner’s interests above their own, or that it’s noble to make compromises and sacrifices to please others, whether from a strong or weak standpoint.

If you make a sacrifice – and see it as such – it will create tension, whether between you and your partner, or you and yourself.

A sacrifice means giving up something you value for something you don’t (or, at least, value less). In most situations it’s giving up something you value for something your partner values. That’s an equation that shouldn’t exist in relationships.

The foundation of our relationships should be: The happiness of both partners, together.

If partners live separate lives, then no relationship exists. And if one partner is happy while the other isn’t, then that’s not a healthy relationship.

When I’m put in a situation where I have to do something I don’t like for my wife’s sake (i.e. to contribute to her happiness), I don’t see that as a sacrifice, because – in that situation – her happiness contributes to mine.

It’s a decision that’ll make me happy, my wife happy and our relationship stronger.

It’s not about “my” decision and “your” decision, “his” decision and “her” decision. Marriage isn’t a tug of war. Instead, it’s about making the relationship contribute to making us both happy.

When we get into arguments, I don’t recall all the times I’ve made sacrifices, because I don’t remember any. Not because I’ve never gone with “her” decision, but because I don’t see going by “her” decision as a compromise, or a sacrifice of my own happiness.

By: Are you spiritually private?

Are you spiritually private? — Sun, 18 Jul 2010 05:09:17 +0000

[...] Warning: Compromising In Your Marriage May Ruin It : I agree with Corey 100% on this one – “I define compromise as each party goes away equally unhappy.” Great article on why compromise is usually a cop-out (my words). [...]

By: Fingertip Play | Daily Generous Wife Tips

Fingertip Play | Daily Generous Wife Tips — Sat, 17 Jul 2010 09:32:26 +0000

[...] this last week: Intimacy in Marriage: You Said I Do and Then All Hell Broke Loose Simple Marriage: Warning: Compromising in Your Marriage May Ruin It Gwen in Love: Sex & Money The Dating Divas: His & Hers Wine Glasses The Romantic Vineyard: [...]

By: Gayle

Gayle — Fri, 16 Jul 2010 20:30:41 +0000

Hey I agree with your take on this post! You are right!

By: Gayle

Gayle — Fri, 16 Jul 2010 20:28:51 +0000

Interesting point… never saw it as not actually compromising at all but simply caving.. I have done that a few time though it is more a keep the peace than I am keeping count thing. Good food for thought!

By: Jay

Jay — Thu, 15 Jul 2010 15:04:08 +0000

Ha. Maybe this speaks to our maturity level (possible) or some underlying problem in our relationship (possible) but in my marriage that Chinese/Italian example would >not fly<. I can't be out of her sight during non-work (so it seems), _especially_ doing something I might enjoy (eating at a restaurant I like) without her. (Frustrating sidenote specific to _this_ example is that most restaurants I *really* like she hates, or acts so.).

So, nice try, and maybe it's something ELSE I need to work on, but that
would.
not.
work.
in my relationship. Sadly.