We walked into the guidance counselor’s office stiff and a little anxious. We explained our hope that our son would finally discover a passion during his high school years. “He seems to glide through and past all things as though watching the view from a train”, we explained. “Too fast to really focus on anything; too quickly to even develop curiosity. What can we do to broaden his horizons so that something will compel him to get off the train and investigate?”
The counselor looked at us and smiled. “Do you know how many kids come into my office on the verge of a nervous breakdown? So many of them are pressured and stressed and barely coping with the demands of a high school schedule. Your son walks down the halls smiling. He has friends. He is comfortable in his own skin. This is going to serve him well in life. He has time to discover his passion. It may not happen in high school. “
That night I told our son how proud of him we were that he was adjusting to the rigors of high school with such ease. “Your ability to roll with the punches and manage the stress is such an important quality that I sometimes overlook. Maybe dad and I even have a thing or two to learn from you about this.”
My son who towers over me, stood up even straighter and he smiled such a pure, joyous smile that it nearly broke my heart to think that I have been withholding this acknowledgment. He thanked me and walked into his room. In all likelihood he was surfing the internet or talking to friends. He was not Googling some topic near and dear to his heart. And for the moment I was okay with that.
The take-away?
- Sometimes we are so focused on who we want our children to become (or who they are not) that we forget to notice who they are!
- As parents we sometimes fall into the trap of believing that our children need to be finished products by the time they leave our care. We must respect their pace of development and never lose sight of the value we provide in witnessing their unfolding with complete love and acceptance.
- We can all stand to get a little better at acknowledgement. In particular when it is heartfelt as well as short and to the point.
How can you champion your children today for who they are? Let’s share our stories here.
(photo source)
This post is so beautiful Pearl. Happiness has been trumped by an obsession with standardized test scores. How wonderful that you can recognize your son’s social and emotional intelligence for the gifts they truly are, and communicate that recognition to him.
Thank you Megan. I know you totally “get it” too.
What a wonderful post to read! I certainly hope that I can keep this in mind when I have children.
Remember first and formost that they are still your children and you do not ‘release them to the world’ at graduation or age 18 to ‘fend for themselves’. Be interested and active in their lives and remind them every chance you get that you love them and will be their mom or dad no matter what else may go on the thier lives. Love is STILL spelled ‘time.’ Lunch, dinner or just drive time phone calls to keep them ‘company’ during their commutes to class, their next call or appointment. Be present in their lives.
I couldn’t agree with you more and the joy and the challenge is that as our kids grow up or relationshiips evolve, our roles shift but the love lasts…
I love this post
Pearl,
What a great perspective on your son finding his passion. Part of what is so amazing is to envision him walking down the hallway at school (or anywhere else, for that matter) with a smile on his face.
When I see kids and young adults, I often notice that they have either vapid looks on their faces or skowls, neither of which is pleasant. Congratulations on acknowledging your pride in him as he is, not just in what he can become.
As a high school teacher I have come to a similar realization. While the driven, goal oriented, straight-A students are often admired in their success I tend to worry about some of them, about how they are going to fare in “real life” where time isn’t divided into terms and success cannot be measured in grades. I think some of the kids who are only doing so-so, but doing it happily, surrounded by friends and outside interests are going to have an easier time when they are a bit older, and I’m sure most of them will find their passion too. Some of them even have already, it’s just not an academic subject so it’s harder to measure.
Aslaug- As some one who works in HS, it is good to hear you are coming to that realization. The world keeps changing so fast I think it is complicated for teachers to know how best to support the development of the kids in their care… Good luck!
What a great post. I really believe too often we take our children for granted as much or more that they do us. We will not send them into the world a finished product, but rather a clay pot still in the modeling process. I am overjoyed at seeing my children still learn and develop even though they have been out of our home several years.
Come visit me @www.happyfamilyhappykids.blogspot.com
Pearl,
The focus here is on seeing and appreciating your kids for who they are, not the projected image of who we want them to be. But I want to acknowledge how you came into the guidance counselor’s office, with the hope that your son would develop a passion. You weren’t imposing your idea of what that passion might be, simply hoping that he would find something that motivated him and inspired him. Your heart has always been in the right place, you just benefited from the little nudge in the direction of appreciating who he is right now. I think it’s important to note what a wonderful set of parents your son has. He is a lucky boy!