What Do Men Know About Women?
Yesterday quite a discussion ensued when I attempted to make light of us men. Apparently, this post struck a pretty deep cord with many of you.
The main premise of Simple Marriage is that relationships, specifically important relationships, are a tool designed by God to help refine us and grow us up.
Every relationship has the potential to push, pull, and prod our emotional maturity – and this includes our relationship between me as writer and you as reader.
Your willingness to speak up and share your reaction to what I write – and tell me when you think I’ve blown it – provides me with a tremendous opportunity for growth.
One of the markers for growth is the ability to recognize your own strengths and weaknesses.
Here’s what I know about me:
- I am open enough to hear feedback and react appropriately (most of the time).
- But when I hear reactions I don’t understand or agree with, my tendency is to push or pull away in order to lessen my discomfort.
Since my instinctive reaction is to acknowledge and pull away I want to approach the discussions yesterday head on.
A tremendous tool in creating and improving deeper relationships is the counter-intuitive move – leaning in to the relationship instead of pushing away.
Here’s how I’m leaning in to instead of pushing away . . .
You, the reader, are my most valuable resource.
I want to do more than say, “Sorry” and move on – I want to honor and celebrate what we men do know about women.
Every man alive has at least one intimate relationship with a woman because every man alive has a mother. Women are still the primary shapers of men because women are still the primary caregivers of boys. Add sisters, aunts, cousins, and female friends and it’s easy to see the vast wealth of knowledge and experience that informs men’s knowledge base about women. And this is before the intimate relationship of marriage has even entered the picture.
Whatever you focus on grows – so I want to invite you to focus on answering these questions:
What do I know about women?
How do I communicate with women on a deeper level?
Not just my wife – any women in my life, past or present?
It’s a Hollywood myth that men know how to satisfy a woman’s every desire in bed. So what do you know about being a wonderful lover to the woman you love?
How did you decide to be fully committed to the woman you love? Was it a good example or a bad example that motivated your choice? Is that choice based on something greater than you?
What is the most romantic moment you created for the two of you?
I’ll get things started – Here’s what I know:
I believe woman is the culmination of God’s beauty, tenderness, and love. She is the last thing created in the story of Creation. She is capable of anything she sets her mind to. She longs to be valued and cherished, as well as fought for and pursued.
To communicate with a woman on a deeper level you must listen to her story. Conversations with my mother (and sister) to this day consist of listening to the story, not just the details. The women in my life have sought connection more through stories than brief points. Applying this to my relationship with Pam (who’s not a story-teller) has taught me that she doesn’t want to be fixed, often doesn’t even want the issue being discussed fixed, she simply wants to be heard. To know she has a partner in her life. A knight in shining armor, maybe – but a partner, yes.
What do I know about being a wonderful lover? I’m not going to get too deep into this but over the course of my marriage, two valuable resources have taught me the most. The first is my wife and the second is grad school. Both of us were naive going into the area of our relationship. We learned from each other, but grad school opened us up to our sexuality as a whole, not just sex. Being a wonderful lover involves more than what goes on in bed – a great deal more. Knowing more about anatomy certainly helps while in bed, but don’t forget about being a wonderful lover to a woman’s greatest assets,- her heart and her mind.
Being fully committed to my wife is a life long choice, based largely on my spiritual relationship with God. We’ve both been fortunate to have this commitment modeled to us by our parents and grandparents. But to me, one of the best ways I can honor God and honor my wife is to work to stay with her.
I like to think of myself as a romantic – from weekends away together to pouring a bath surrounded by candles just for her after a rough day. The most romantic moment in my marriage thus far was our trip to the Caribbean last year. This trip sparked our relationship from the time it was planned until a month or so after. While I can still do more in the romance department, coming up with ideas is not an issue. All I have to do is listen.
Part of growing up involves knowing what you know as well as knowing what you don’t know. Every day I’m presented with opportunities to grow and discover more of what I don’t know. The women throughout my life have helped me become the man I am today. And by continuing to learn from the women currently in my life, I can become an even better man.
So fellas, care to join me? And ladies, care to help us by pointing out what we as men don’t know?
Your turn.
Corey is the editor of Simple Marriage as well as a licensed marriage & family therapist. While he has a Ph.D. in Family Therapy, he only occasionally likes to be called doctor. If you enjoyed this post, please subscribe so you don't miss any future posts.8 Responses to “What Do Men Know About Women?”
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Since I was one of complainers yesterday I feel I should answer:
What do I know about women?
That I love them as a group, I love their insight, their heart and spirit. As a group they are a pleasure to be around. I loved being with my wife, I adore the time I spend with my daughter and I like hanging with my few female friends I have. I find one one very fascinating.
How do I communicate with women on a deeper level?
By remembering small details that have been told in their stories, by living up to my word day in and day out, and by making them laugh at my silly insights. I communicate with females by not insulting their intelligence.
What do I know about being a wonderful lover?
Right now I am going to say not much. I think I am a better companion out of bed because if I can make a woman laugh, she will take me to bed on her own. I think it is so cool to be with a female lover that it is the best thing out there.
How did you decide to be fully committed to the woman you loved?
I wanted to be in a committed relationship because at the end of the day I feel all the issues that were unresolved with my wife will just come back when I get into another relationship. My wife left me 2 months ago and I am determined to be a better man because of that. Things that were done by me will never be repeated. I will resolve these issues on my own so that I become another woman best friend again.
My most romantic thing I did was put her through nursing school I sacrificed myself for her goal and I know she left but I would do this again in a heart beat. I was looking forward to her graduation that I never attended, we both busted our asses to make this happen. As a couple I think this is the best you can do is sacrifice for another person. Now I think this is noble and I guess my wife did not agree with me so life goes on.
I do not consider myself a good writer at all I hope when you read this that you are able to understand my rambling. Thank you for this exercise
I think you are a very clear writer. Thanks for sharing. I especially love how you view sacrifice as romantic. I couldn’t agree more. I think it would be great if more men recognized how loved we feel when you give up your time and wants to give us something that we need/want.
From a woman’s point of view: What do I think most men should know?
How do I communicate with women on a deeper level?
Understand we do have a logical side, we are not as consistent as you are. It makes us better at adapting to change, and also can drive you crazy, we know this. Our level of competitiveness on a daily basis is with other women. Don’t compare us, we already beat ourselves up enough.
What do I know about being a wonderful lover?
If the emotional connection isn’t there, the rest will reflect that.
How did you decide to be fully committed to the woman you loved?
Unconditional love. Accepting we aren’t like you and seeing that as a positive aspect of the relationship. Differences make you a well rounded team, making better decisions together because you’ll cover more bases. The best way to inspire your wife is by the choices you make, not the ones you tell her you wish she had made.
Corey, you are an honorable man. Coming back with this post is definitely leaning into yesterday’s debacle rather than withdrawing. Good job my friend.
How do I communicate with women on a deeper level?
I feel that when my spouse really shares his heart, I am communicating on a deeper level. I don’t know if it is just my spouse or other men as well, but he doesn’t easily share what is in the deep parts of his heart. I think he feels vulnerable and weak in doing that.
So what do you know about being a wonderful lover to the woman you love?
It hasn’t been my spouse that held us up in this department, it was me. I had a difficult time accepting myself as a sexual being. Because of that and some other personal garbage, I was very withdrawn during our sexual experiences. After exploring some of that in counseling, I have been quite a bit more comfortable in that area and therefore more adventurous. My hub also made some changes in himself which made it easier for me to reach out to him in this area of our life. But with the hub, he is very tender, giving, and UNselfish.
How did you decide to be fully committed to the woman you love?
Several things. First, the commitment I made in front of God. For most of our married life, divorce wasn’t on the table. At one point, I did start to play with the idea but I just didn’t have it in me. I was too scared which isn’t a good reason, but also, my hub is my family and I can’t divorce my family.
Both of our sets of parents had never been divorced but with the hub’s parents, that hasn’t necessarily been a good thing.
What is the most romantic moment you created for the two of you?
I’ll have to take credit for this. It was in March when The hub and I went camping for our 25th anniversary. Corey came up with his family and led us in renewing our vows over the camp fire. It was a magical event and a surprise for my hub. I was so blessed that Corey could come be a part of it especially since he is the reason we not only stayed together but were in the best place ever. My hub and I both see that night as the best night in our lives.
Two years ago, the hub planned a weekend camping at Turner Falls. It was incredible as well. I just love alone time over night. It can be in a hotel or camping. I really love the camping though. Being out in nature is energizing and spiritual for me.
Corey.
Feedback might be difficult at times, but one thing I learned a few years ago was that when someone reacts to what I do (or write), it says as much, if not more, about the other than about me. I just love the idea of leaning into the feedback rather than withdrawing!
I’m struggling a little with your questions above. Partly because I’m avoiding the answers and partly because I genuinely struggle to generalise about ‘men’ and ‘women’. I’m well aware of the differences, but defining what they are in any meaningful way has so far eluded me. Maybe I need to be visiting your site more often
Ian- Thanks for the comment. As for the questions above, whether you answer them in the comments here or not makes little difference to me. One of the points is to realize how we view each other and it’s influence upon our relationships. It still stops and ends with yourself, which is the whole goal.
I am responsible for my own growth and development, not my wife’s.
As for your final statement – why, yes you do need to be visiting Simple Marriage more often.
Lao-Tse noted a very long time ago “The more you learn, the less you understand.” That’s what I had in mind reading Corey’s original (and allegedly offensive) post. Even though we *think* sometimes that we have things figured out, if we are truly open-eyed and open-minded, we know that there is always a tremendous amount of learning and growing to take place in our lives, no matter what age we are. I can think of many times in my marriage when I have had all of my assumptions about life blown away, and was left to start rebuilding my understanding of my spouse from scratch.
Like Ian above, I’m struggling a little to answer the questions; but I will provide my short pre-coffee answers below
What do I know about women?
They are human. They want to be loved, they want to be held, they want to feel secure, they want to trust, they want to feel fulfilled in their professional and personal lives, they need involvement with their family and sometimes they need to be detached from it all. That’s true for all of us, I think. I know that any stereotypes I have had about women have been stripped away completely by the years I have spent with my wife.
How do I communicate with women on a deeper level?
By listening. Truly, honestly, listening. It feels horrible to pour out your feelings to another human and have the sudden realization when you are done that they have only pretended to listen.
How did I decide to be fully committed to the woman I love?
After a few years of being married, I had the realization that we both were not *getting* what we wanted out of the relationship, because we were not *giving* back to the relationship. We were “there for each other” in many ways except being emotionally available. It was then I realized full commitment to another human being involves you body, soul and mind.
I loved what Lori said, and I want to expand on it a little bit.
When you not only accept but cherish and praise each other’s differences, you’re 1) opening yourself up to truly learning from them and about them and 2) you’re giving them a safe place to learn and grow. I believe this is true both ways, when I praise my husband and tell him how much I appreciate his different ways of thinking, his different ways of loving, it’s like taking sunglasses off, I see him and the wonderful things about him so much clearer. Also, I notice he’s stronger and more willing to work on things together when that foundation of encouragement and safety is laid.