Named must your fear be before banish it you can.
-YODA, Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back
Many people go into a marriage with an ideal in mind.
After saying “I do” to him or her, life will be a happily ever after, long walk on a sunset beach, hand in hand, staring into each others eyes, and then making love in the morning with the cool breeze through the window and the birds singing in the trees- Blah, Blah, Blah.
If you are currently married, you know full well that this fairy tale seldom, if ever occurs.
How many of us go into a relationship having thought through worst case scenarios?
What’s the worst that could happen in a marriage?
Is it the prospect of divorce? Maybe.
For me, the worst case scenario would be monotony.
Settling for the same thing each and every day for as long as we both shall live. Where do I sign?
To be clear, I am not in favor of divorce.
Most of the time, it is the easy way out.
Failing to acknowledge a possibility does not make it go away. Inherent in every relationship is the ending of it.
But when you honestly address the fact that relationships involve risk, you’ll likely find you are more capable of conquering the fear often associated with the risk.
The thing about risk – risks often aren’t that scary once you face them. And very few things in our world are really life and death types of risks … although it’s easy to get caught up in the feeling.
Most people become paralyzed when faced with the prospect of risking their relationship.
They will choose unhappiness over uncertainty.
They choose to settle with their spouse.
The idea becomes “well if this is as good as it’s going to get, ok,” or “they are never going to change so I might as well get used to it.”
In this scenario, the only thing left to do is wait for death, which may be a long way off.
But,
what if you actually faced the fear? Took a risk?
It all begins with a pointed discussion regarding the current state of things.
And this discussion may need to be with yourself, but from there, you can begin to design the life and the relationship you want.
(photo source)
Corey, I’m right there with you. Monotony is the worst case scenario in my eyes. It takes a lot of courage to be in a conscious, loving, and dynamic relationship. I’m divorced and I’ve seen the ugly side of not being courageous and addressing fears. It is worth every ounce of effort to keep nourishing the relationship, to face each fear, to figure out what works and what doesn’t work. I’m in a beautiful, loving relationship now…and it’s very challenging! But I keep reminding myself, “Don’t do what’s easy…do what’s extraordinary.”
I’ve always feared, deep down, that I’m not good enough. That even giving my best wouldn’t be enough to keep my husband with me. Turns out, that was true. But – what I have learned, is that it ISN’T all me. The Lord calls us to give ourselves completely and follow Him, and He created us to be just what He needs. And He gave my husband to me, and gave me to my husband, forever. Giving my best and being honest and real in my marriage is what I can do, and what I have done. And following the Lord while I do it. But it isn’t that I am NOT enough that he decided to look elsewhere. It’s that he chose to walk instead of work. His vows and his beliefs weren’t enough for him to stay. So while we both could have done some things differently within the relationship, I didn’t make him go – he chose to leave. And that has changed how I view myself, for the better, and has allowed me the clarity to teach my girls to also do what’s right regardless of who is choosing to do something that isn’t.
Monotony – yes for me, too. Also, when a spouse stops developing and expects the other one to be “still” too, in any way at all. A.k.a. dragging down each other, instead of helping to grow continually.
Very interesting post with some good food for thought. For me it would be that I couldn’t be in control of my own life. That it would turn into this long, drawn out, slowed down process where any time I wanted to do something I’d have to “check in” and “convince” my husband to go along. And, then he wouldn’t. So, I wouldn’t have the life I wanted. It’s scary just to write all that down.
I think the image with this posts is a great portrayal of someone who is in the middle of dealing with that thing they feared.
This post is great to get you thinking ahead of time. For addressing what could potentially bring you down or tear you apart. Hopefully by reflecting like this regularly (b/c fear changes), I will be proactive instead of reactive.
Not sure, but I think my comment disappeared. Greatest fear was betrayal and abandoment… dealing with aspects of that now… and thinking this is an opportunity to transform those fears: http://bodhicittama.blogspot.com/
Jen U, I really appreciated your comment. … not an easy thing to go through.
Definitely monotony. I never want to be that couple that sits in a restaurant, not looking at each other or saying a word the entire meal… always looking around but never at each other. Breaks my heart. I always voice this fear to my husband but should probably focus more on how to prevent it from happening. Thanks for the thought-invoking post!