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Editor’s Note: This post is by Simple Marriage contributor Mary Ann Crossno.
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One of the words that shows up most frequently in the Simple Marriage search engine is – you guessed it! – SEX. In today’s “Sex and the City” world, you would think that we all know all there is to know about sex.
That’s just not the way it is.
The popular culture and the media use sex to sell, entertain, and exploit. Situation comedies, soap operas, movies, commercials, music videos, video games, and websites present a distorted view of sexuality that does more harm than good. Greater numbers of couples and individuals are coming to therapy looking for help with cybersex affairs and internet porn addiction.
I took my first course in human sexuality at the age of 54 – and I was shocked at how much I did not know about sex! Sex education was not part of my high school education, and the information that is given in today’s typical junior high or high school class is just a step above no information. It’s unlikely that you took a college course studying human sexuality unless you majored in a specific field that required it.
So if you’re the average man or woman in a committed relationship, odds are better than even that what you have learned about sex is haphazard information based on stereotypes that is unreliable, unrealistic, incomplete and in many cases, wrong.
Sex is one of our most powerful biological drives. Our sexuality can be the drive that pushes us to create intimate connections, allowing us to be truly known – or it can be the drive that pushes us into behaviors that destroy relationships and leave a legacy of pain.
We get to choose how we will use our sexuality.
Genital banging [sex designed for pro-creation] is natural – grown up sex that requires intense intimacy is an adult developmental task.
It takes longer for humans to reach full sexual maturity than any other species.
Taking responsibility for what you do and don’t know about sex is part of embracing the idea that your relationship is about your emotional and spiritual maturity.
Here’s some reliable links to get you started on your way to knowing what you don’t know or what you need to know about sex.
http://www.aasect.org/assoclinks.asp
This link takes you to a list of websites for sex educators and therapists.
Scroll down the page and there are 40 links to other reliable websites covering sexuality topics.
http://www.aasect.org/books.asp
This link takes you to a comprehensive list of books that addresses how to talk to kids about sex, GLBT sexuality, sex therapy, erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, masturbation and everything in between! You’re sure to find a book on this list that addresses any question you have about sex.
Website that covers all aspects of women’s health.
http://www.healthywomen.org/Documents/LetsTalkAboutSex.pdf
Great brochure on Keeping Intimacy Alive at Midlife and Beyond.
This website is ALL about Women’s Sexual health.
This is the blog from The Women’s Sexual Health Foundation – good place to enter a dialogue with doctors and other health care practitioners.
http://www.aolhealth.com/condition-center/mens-sexual-health
Good information on a wide range of sex related topics.
http://www.sexualhealth.com/channel/view/men-sexual-health/
This website covers topics relating to men and women’s sexual health, love and relationships, sexuality education, STD’s and more.
Hope you started your week with sex on Monday, or Sunday, or both!
photo credit: Stoichiometry
I was one of those marriages that came for help because of inappropriate internet activity. Frustrated for many reasons, I began to experiment visually on porn sites, and slipped into chat rooms, justifying that I wasn’t actually meeting people, it was “…just a computer that talked back.” My wife found the evidence numerous times, we collapsed in anguish, and I promised never to do it again, but compulsively found my way back. She is convinced I am a sex addict and the divorce will be final next month.
Curiously (and not so surprisingly), there was much more involved in this dynamic. In short, for complicated reasons, my personal creativity was stifled in this marriage, I was not able to spend the time alone to nourish my personal passions (ie music and writing). Being so repressed over a long period, the energy had to come out in some way, and rather than risk exposing the stuff closest to my heart, I played on the internet.
In the time that we have been separated, I have allowed myself to write and music has flourished at my fingertips. The sexual behaviors (even being able to do them without consequence) have completely vanished. In the last month, I have been developing a spiritual relationship with a woman who fully endorses and supports my creativity, and I look forward to a completely different sexuality with her when the time for both of us has arrived, one that allows other passions to enhance the relationship rather than take anything away.
I am constantly amazed at how so much of our lives affects our sexuality. I would venture to say that all of our lives affect our sexuality. After 25 years of marriage, I am finally understanding more of what sex can and should be like. It is a freeing experience and a spiritual one as well. I look forward to continued growth in being a healthier person living a healthier life and all that means.
Thanks for the resources Mary Ann!
@ kip de moll
Thanks for sharing your experience. Your comments . . .
. . . there was much more involved in this dynamic
. . . rather than risk exposing the stuff closest to my heart
illustrate the heart of the SM message – that relationships are ALL about pushing us to discover our truest and best self as relationships expose our weaknesses to us.
Sometimes we make the discovery while still in the relationship, and sometimes after the relationship ends.
@ Laurie
You’re right on target when you say all of our lives affect our sexuality. Try to imagine every aspect of one day in your life apart from anything that defines you as a sexual being . . . Can’t be done, as far as I know!