What Does Sex Mean To You?
Welcome to sex week on Simple Marriage.
As we get started, let me ask you this: What does sex mean to you?
Seriously, spend a bit of time with this question. In your answer you will discover the key to unlocking much more in this area of your life.
If you’d prefer to examine this idea on a broader scale, change the previous question to: What does your sexuality mean to you?
We are all sexual beings. Our sexuality is intimately linked with the rest of our life. It’s even linked to our spirituality. In fact, the two are intertwined.
That’s the way everything is in life. We may think we are compartmentalized beings: the work you, the home you, the friend you, etc. but each area is interrelated.
To me, when you look at sex and sexuality … it’s a language. And as humans, we are the only species capable of making meaning with the things do in our life. When it comes to sex, a lot is placed on the meaning attached to the act.
When you get down to it, sex is an act, but it’s also so much more than that.
The key to better sex rests in the meaning placed on it.
There’s always a deeper meaning to the things in our life.
A couple keeps having the same arguments about trivial things. Yesterday it was how to park the car, before that it was the phone bill, before that it was about whose turn it was to take the dog out, and now it’s happening again. They’re in the kitchen debating how to properly slice a tomato. They’ve been married for several years and would say it’s been great, but they’re at this point in the relationship where deeper issues like trust and commitment and kids and vulnerability are lingering in their minds and hearts, and underneath it all they both have this question: “If I get closer to my spouse will they leave me?” But neither of them has voiced this, and both of them experienced their parents’ divorcing at a young age, so anytime tension or conflict comes up, things get confusing quickly and so they’re just at this moment realizing that this argument has nothing to do with how to slice a tomato. (adapted from Rob Bell, Sex God)
Or, the foreplay is progressing along fine and you both are enjoying the time together when suddenly your partner disengages and it has nothing to do with what’s going on in bed at the moment, but you take offense and storm off while your partner lays there feeling even more guilty and alone.
So what’s your meaning when it comes to sex?
Connection. Release. Love. Power. Commitment. Procreation.
No one can define it for you. It must come from you.
There are times when meanings change. Sometimes sex is just a release. Other times it’s a longing for closer connection. Sometimes you just want to give, other times you want to be taken.
It doesn’t have to have the same meaning each time, but it helps to be aware of what you’re looking for.
As you enter into sex, invite your lover into your world, be honest. Speak up.
Here’s a couple of ideas for better sex in your marriage.
- Understand the meaning of sex for you. What are you looking for when you seek out your lover?
- Speak up. Let your partner know what’s going on in your mind. Tell them what you’re looking for. Let them in on your experience during the encounter. Let them experience all of you. And while you’re at it, seek to experience all of them.
- Take an anatomy class. Most people understand the basic idea when it comes to sex, at least intercourse. But there are many couples that seem to think that’s all sex is. Wrong! There are many ways to be sexual. Talk to your partner. Learn their anatomy. Teach them your anatomy. Learn their pleasure points. Yours. Would it surprise you to learn that an often overlooked G spot is the mind? It’s actually our most potent sexual organ.
Sex can be extremely pleasurable. But it doesn’t happen by chance. It’s more than getting naked and “doing it.” For great sex, you have to show up, be more present, more open, more vulnerable, more alive.
(photo source)
Corey is the editor of Simple Marriage as well as a licensed marriage & family therapist. While he has a Ph.D. in Family Therapy, he only occasionally likes to be called doctor. If you enjoyed this post, please subscribe so you don't miss any future posts.3 Responses to “What Does Sex Mean To You?”
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Corey,
Yet another great post about sex.
This part really resonated with me:
“There are times when meanings change. Sometimes sex is just a release. Other times it’s a longing for closer connection. Sometimes you just want to give, other times you want to be taken.”
So true – thanks for sharing.
For me, sex means a ton more than it did. May I add to your reasons for sex? I would offer, to be playful and have fun. Sometimes it is about that. It’s interesting in that the experience is different depending on the reason. I hadn’t thought about talking about my reason for sex to the hub. I’ll have to do that. I just know that since I have allowed myself to think of myself as sexual, sex is a much better, fulfilling, and an intimate experience. I also initiate, I would guess, half of the time.
) The hub is thrilled.
You said, ” Let them experience all of you. And while you’re at it, seek to experience all of them.” How do you know if you are doing that in both of these cases?
Sometimes I will feel like my importance in my wife’s life is being reduced by various factors (kids, life, etc). She can have so many things to do that our time together can get limited. When we do have time to ourselves, I find that sex/making love is a special activity between us. Yes, we can go out to dinner and that is special, but she can also go out to dinner with her friends/family. Yes, we can watch TV together, but she can do that with her mother, our kids, etc. Sex is the one part of my wife that I know I don’t have to share with anyone else. Yes, it sounds a bit selfish in some ways, but it makes me feel special that she shares that aspect of herself with me and only me.
It goes both ways too. I can have so many things to do that I sometimes feel like I don’t have enough time for just the two of us. So when we do have time together, I like being able to share a special aspect of myself with her that I don’t share with anyone else.
Of course, like Shannon O pointed out, meanings can change depending on the circumstances so this isn’t the be-all-and-end-all meaning. Just one possible meaning that I’ve found.