A discussion broke out in the comments of Are You Making These Marriage Mistakes about submission.
Should you be submissive to your partner in marriage?
Or more specifically as the comment thread went: should a wife submit to her husband’s leadership?
This has been a common discussion in several comment threads throughout the years here at Simple Marriage. So let’s dive deeper into this, shall we?
As we begin, let’s tackle the religious aspect often associated with this topic.
While I personally believe in the concept of the husband is the head of the household, this is a spiritual head and a physical presence, not a lord over or king of or dominating leader. The husband is looked to for the physical protection of his family, as well as to provide an overall life direction and purpose for his family.
If the man is to be the head of the household, it is done in collaboration with his wife, utilizing and incorporating her strengths for the benefit of all the family members. A marriage is a partnership, where both members operate from their strengths and defer to each other when necessary.
This is all part of a grown up relationship.
But religious connotations aside, we submit to things all around us, every day.
If you drive a car, you submit to the other cars around you. If you walk in the city, you allow others to go before you, you may hold the door for others, or move to the side to let them by.
Point is, submission is part of life in community with others.
In relationships, we submit to our spouse’s preferences on things. Come on fellas, you mean you would have plants and nice pictures on the walls and potpourri in your house if you were a bachelor? We also submit to one another in conversations, date nights, parenting, and even during sex.
To be clear, there is a difference between submit and obey.
Our world is brought into order through submission. It’s part of God’s design and creation of the world and society.
Submitting however, is based on choice. And choice can only come from an inherent equality within the relationship. Obeying is based on a hierarchy within the relationship.
Let me explain.
At the core, I believe relationships, especially marriage, are choice. And this choice has a foundation of love.
If a relationship is based on love, choice must be part of it. If there is no choice, it’s manipulation. It’s control. There has to be a way out of the relationship for there to be any presence of love. If there’s no a way out, there’s no love.
So, in choosing your spouse, if you hope to have love as part of the marriage, in essence you are submitting to them. Because you must give them the opportunity to choose you, just as you do them.
Submission also is often thought of as something negative.
It’s not.
It’s reverence, respect, honor, or choice. And each of these things begets itself.
For example, respect begets respect. Want more respect in your relationship? Give more of it. You can’t make your spouse give it to you, that’s up to them. Same thing with choice. You can’t make your partner choose you, all you can do is present something that’s worth choosing – making it all the more important that you grow up in marriage.
Back to the Scriptures that talk about submission a moment: submit to one another out of reverence for Christ; wives submit to your husbands as to the Lord; and husbands love your wife as Christ loves the church. If a husband is not loving towards his wife, how can he possibly expect her to be submissive towards him?
For things to function at an optimum level in our world, there has to be an order to things.
Parents are to be the parents, not the children. Other rules and laws are in place for communities and nations to flourish. In the same way, there is a structure and order to how households and relationships operate.
Every aspect of life offers the chance to lead or follow. To love or manipulate. To submit or follow your own desire.
So, should submission be a part of marriage? Absolutely!
Your turn.
(photo source)
Unfortunately, submission has become a very ‘charged’ word. I admit I do have a reaction to it, especially as a non-religious person, as it carries all sorts of over- and undertones that I don’t agree with.
However, with the term defined clearly in this context, it makes more sense. I just wish we had another word, like cooperate or compromise or partner (verb)….
Great thoughts Corey. I have often thought about the religious aspects of submission and I really liked that you mention that marriage is a equal partners, which inherently allows submission!
I believe more husbands should lead by submitting and serving their wives… Christ led the church in a very similar way!
Isn’t it a lot simpler? “And whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all.” -Mark 10:44.
If a man wants to be the head, he must become below everyone else in the family as a support, a servant, and an encouragement.
“Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself.” -Philippians 2:3
That goes for us men, husbands, and fathers too.
Cosigning Joseph’s response!
I appreciated this post!
I come from a religious family where “submission” was not something I was not at all interested in participating in. It was one of those “obey or pay the consequences” type of situation, with my dad being the cheif oppressor, throwing around Bible verses. Needless to say, I developed a very strong rebellious personality (along the lines of extreme feminism), and swore to myself I would never submit to any man.
That all changed the day I met the man who would become my husband… this man is incredibly gentle and wise, never overbearing, threatening or violent… and never once has he given me the impression that I should “obey” him. We have a great balance, both utilizing our strengths and keeping in mind that everything we do is for the best interest of our family as a unit.
I do have to say, I’m still a feminist (not the extreme kind, or the man-hating kind), and I’m still strong and rather rebellious… I’m guessing that’s why my husband snickered at me when I repeated my marriage vows, and skipped the “obey” part.
Thank you so much for addressing this Corey.
For 27 years my dad has been using ‘submission’ to keep my mom ‘in line’. She has been walking on eggshells knowing the if she says or does the ‘wrong’ thing she will pay for it later. My dad has told her “the reason we don’t have enough money is because you’re worrying about it, it’s because you don’t have enough faith, it’s because you don’t support me”. He has used Biblical passages to hurt her and to try to make her believe that if she doesn’t ‘submit’ that anything that goes wrong is her fault. They’ve gone for counseling and had the counselor tell her that she “need to pray more” and that unless there is something she can call the cops about, she can’t be in an abusive relationship. God is bringing her out of this and showing her that this is not His design for marriage.
If your husband pushes you to ‘submit’, if he uses words to constantly put you down and blames everything on you… please know you are NOT ALONE. There is help out there, reach out to your community and keep reaching out until someone listens and helps you. True submission has nothing to do with manipulation and everything to do with love and choice.
Why did it have to be a Christian marriage blog? I was enjoying following the posts, but I have such a hard time getting beyond the religious aspect-and this last post just threw me for a loop. Submission does have a negative connotation-and for a good reason. God is not a man, for crying out loud. Thanks for all the helpful insights, but apparently I need to unsubscribe.
Hey Marta-
Sorry to hear your disappointment with this being a Christian marriage blog, but I’ve never tried to hide the fact that I am a Christian in my beliefs (even disclose as much on my About page).
I would hope that you could still enjoy the information presented here, regardless of a difference in our beliefs. In my opinion, whether the helpful information and insights are Christian based or not, the information is still beneficial to life and marriage.
Regardless of whatever you decide to do, thank you for being a reader here and for speaking up in the comments.
I understand where you are coming from, but what if the husband is not spiritual, yet wife and kids are. Does wife submit to husbands wishes and she and kids stay home, or does she become the defacto spiritual head and hope to lead him to faith via her example?
Just advocating the what if, to see what your response would be~
Nicole- In this situation I would go with the latter. You can be respectful about how you do it, but we are each still responsible for ourselves and doing what you feel is right and in line with your values.
Great treatment of this topic, Corey! I especially love the way you’ve distinguished between submission and obedience.
I think we need to be careful not to equalize husband-wife relationships to the point of dimishing the man’s responsibility and purpose. Christ’s sacrifice for us, his Church, presents us blameless before the Father. In the same way, husbands ARE charged with headship. When my husband treats me lovingly, with servitude at the forefront, it is natural that I would respect him and “submit” as to Christ because I am so humbled by his love and service. Unfortunately, living up to this is more than difficult since we are still dealing with our sinful selves. If a situation arises in which my husband is making a choice or decision that I believe is wrong, or is trying to “power” me into something, it is my job to advise him, even implore him, but ultimately, I have to trust God’s placement of him as head of our household, and therefore defer with respcet. It is not my responsibility to convince him to treat me lovingly in those instances; that is the role of the spirit in his life and I think God is better at eliciting attitude changes in others than I.
The amazing thing is that as I show him respect in this way, as was stated before, respect begets respect, and he hears me more and more willingly.
I echo Kathleen’s sentiment about liking the way you draw a distinction between submission and obedience.
My take on this is that there is a call to mutual submission, but that submission looks different on a husband than it does on a wife due to the difference in roles. There is no difference in the value of the roles, they are equal in that respect, but they are different, as Andrea points out. I also say that it’s not good to use “equality” as a measuring stick for marriage, because it sets up an unhealthy and unhelpful kind of “Am I winning here?” competition. When a couple is working toward out-serving each other, there is no need to srive for equality. And equality too often ends up being confused with androgyny.
Thanks for having the guts to talk about such a sensitive topic so clearly and positively.
No problem with mutual submission around each others strengths. But I still don’t get the leadership part as a male thing. What if it is a same sex marriage? What does gender have to do with leadership? And why must there be ONE single point of leadership- why not team work that is non-heirarchical. I get so much out of what is posted here but this particular point is solely religious based and I can’t find my way around the narrowness of the gender roles. Sorry Corey… love most of it.
PS- I do like how Scott frames it I think.
Great article!! This is a topic that unless truly given time to discuss can certainly have a BAD rap. I myself am SO GLAD that I have a husband who steps up to his role of head of the family/house and leaves me to take my role as Keeper of the Home seriously and to heart. Having had the experience of a first marriage that did not have a “leader” I can see where there were so many problems that could have been avoided had I known my role and the importance of allowing my husband to lead our family. Just as in a “job description” you have certain duties/responsibilities – the same is in marriage, everyone has a role and when filled in the way God had in mind, well it just works best – not perfect, but better!
As yourself, Corey, I am a Christian and I appreciate how you’ve broken submission down. So many Christians have a problem with submission because they don’t fully have a clear understanding of it. I hope your blog post will encourage more women and men to go deeper into their study of submission based on God’s word.
Great post Corey. Thanks for the topic. I have shared this post with others whom had a distorted view of what submission is.
Thank you for a thoughtful discussion of such a loaded topic. I am not Christian (I identify as agnostic, and am a member at a Unitarian Universalist church, and consider myself a highly spiritual being) and I have to say, the word “submit” has put up my hackles in the past. (This includes being at the Christian wedding of a friend, and watching her promise to submit to her husband, and seriously wondering if I should run up and grab her to save her – fortunately for all involved, I kept this in my head!) I do not see myself “submitting” any time soon, but I am grateful to see such a level headed approach to it, and feel that my mind has been opened to the idea. I previously equated submit to obey, and the distinction is an important one to me. (My vows included “love, honor, and cherish” but no obeying or submitting.)
So, while you haven’t changed my mind, you’ve opened it, and given me food for thought. Thank you for that.
Scripture never says that the “husband is the head of the household”. In the Ephesian passage alluded to in the post, Paul invokes a head-body metaphor. There is never the hint of hierarchy or authority in this text (though that was a reality of the historical context.) Rather than affirming hierarchy as Aristotle and others did, Paul transforms it with the Gospel by instructing husbands that they are an organic union as head (husband) of their wife (NOT household) who is their metaphorical body as Christ is the savior of His metaphorical body the church. Paul never speaks of how husbands are to exercise authority or “lead their wives” but instead speaks of how to LOVE his metaphorical body (wife) as he loves his own physical body–sacrifice for, nourish, cherish your body (wife).
This is just confusing to me. I don’t feel you’ve added any clarity to the meaning of submission. Who’s in charge? Doesn’t someone have to be ultimately responsible for the marriage and the family? Yes, we’re all equally important in God’s sight, but he didn’t create man and woman at the same time, and he didn’t create them for the same purpose.
There are numerous scriptures and biblical examples outside of Ephesians that suggest there is a natural hierarchy and the men are to be in charge of their families. The very definition of the word “husband” helps with this.
Of course we are to love each other, especially our wives.
Sometimes it seems we try to use historical and grammatical gymnastics to bend the scriptures to fit our current societal trends. I dont think God intended that at all.
At my blog here I comment on Obedience and Submission:
http://goodstrongmen.blogspot.com/2011/01/one-christian-woman-who-strives-to.html
Thanks for promoting marriage, though!
This was a great article, thanks so much for writing this.
My marriage has changed for the better as a result of my reading the Love and Respect book, and making a conscious decision to submit to and respect my husband. He is no tyrant and always wants to hear my opinion, but we have agreed that he makes the final decisions.
I like that he is the man of the house, and I have no desire to “wear the pants” in the family. He is loving, kind and generous to me, which makes it a pleasure to love, honour, and obey him. He likes to be masculine and I like to be feminine.
Our marriage is traditional in some respects, but modern in other ways. We share childcare pretty equally, and I work 4 days a week. I do way more housework, he does everything in terms of maintenance, yardwork, etc. We are equal but different.
This is what works for us, and what we are happy with.