photo credit: where are the joneses
Post written by Corey Allan. Follow me on Twitter.
During this economic downturn, families and marriages are feeling the strain. Many are having to cut back on expenses, plan for the future differently, or maybe even finding second or third jobs if possible, there likely are few marriages that have avoided the emotional hit of this stress.
But what about those couples who are “traditional” in nature? He works and is the major breadwinner of the family while she is either at home to care for the kids or has a job and is still the primary one responsible for home management.
What happens when either through loss of a job or cut-backs or through her getting a promotion and she makes more than him?
There are probably many people who read this and believe that it would be no big deal. You could easily handle the shift. While it may indeed be true, how do you know?
I was in this camp several years ago.
I started off in the ministry and my wife is a CPA so I knew it was likely only a matter of time before she made more than I could make in ministry. When this happened close to 11 years ago, at first it wasn’t a big deal. But after a couple of months, I noticed my spirits were down and my esteem hurt.
Our switch occurred when I left a job in order to head back to school so we made the choice to dramatically change our income. And even though I was in school working towards a new career, there was still a “status” hit to my ego.
It’s strange but our society has such an impact on our psyche that whenever normal roles are not followed there is an emotional hit to some degree. This hit was not limited to only me. My wife felt additional pressure as well.
As the years progressed and kids entered the picture, we’ve kept the same roles – she is the primary breadwinner and I’m the primary childcare provider. For us, it works. It plays into our strengths.
While the circumstances surrounding the reason she may make more than you may vary widely, there are a few things you can do that may help lessen the emotional turmoil. Editor’s Note: This topic can in no way be covered easily in one or even several posts and these ideas are not meant as platitudes, only seeds for further discussion.
- Communication must be respectful and considerate. It’s easy to take out your frustrations on your spouse rather than the situation. As tensions and frustrations rise, remember that you are in this together. If necessary, seek assistance through therapy or hire a coach to help create a plan of action.
- If she makes more than you due to a job loss, do what you can to find work. The best advice I’ve come across on this subject is treat finding a job like a job. Get up early, get dressed, take a lunch break. Also, don’t overlook the idea of finding a job to provide some support while still looking for a career job.
- Talk about role responsibilities. A great deal of resentment can build between partners during this time. He may not take care of the house the way she wants, the kids may not be dressed as cute, etc. She may have difficulty handling the added stress of providing financially for the family. Part of discussing these issues is the realization that in most instances there isn’t a right and wrong, only opinions and experiences.
- Be humble. Through times of transition and change, you each may provide something different. Perhaps rather than bringing in the money, he takes care of the house and kids while she brings in the money. Whatever is brought to the table needs to be brought humbly.
- Create a marriage and family plan. What helps us is knowing that I am working towards assuming the role from her in the future. It will help a great deal to have a plan, whether it’s a 1, 5, 9 or 20 year plan it doesn’t matter. Having something you are both working towards can help keep things in perspective.
- Live simply. During the beginning of our role reversal we lived on 30% of what were making the previous year. We discovered that we didn’t need near as much as we thought in order to live. Simplification has become our motto to this day.
- Be aware of the cultural influence on your identity. It can be a major ego hit when a man is a stay at home dad. He may be thought of as less-than by other men since he doesn’t “provide” for his family. For the woman, she may hear things like “What’s wrong with you, why don’t you love your children?” These are external expectations and influences, not law. If she has more earning potential or he’s a better home manager, play to your strengths. If she can find a job easier than him in order to cover the gap while he’s between jobs, it’s a temporary situation, treat it as such.
These are just a few ideas for a complex topic, what’s your thought and experience?
Corey is the editor of Simple Marriage as well as a licensed marriage & family therapist. While he has a Ph.D. in Family Therapy, he only occasionally likes to be called doctor. If you enjoyed this post, please subscribe so you don't miss any future posts.- 17 More Tips To Improve Marriage And Slow Down Life At The Same Time
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{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
For most of our marriage, I’ve made more than my husband. A year or two in, he reduced his hours at work to go to school and switch careers. I had gotten into my career by then and was making steady headway increasing my salary. For us, and it may just be the way we are wired, it’s never been an issue — he has changed employers several times as he’s continued on his IT career path, and our salaries are closer now than they have been, probably close to a 49/51% split. There have been several times I have been the sole income, and frankly, it was really nice for me to come home and him be there with dinner going, the house tidy (we have no kids), knowing he’d been studying all day to pass another exam…we’ve often joked if I could just make twice my salary, I could be his sugarmama and he could stay home and take care of me…um, yeah, I could handle that! Several of my friends are in similar situations, and for the most part, I think there’s an understanding that this is just the way it is for now, and we’re rolling with it.
Not to say there are never hiccups, but mostly, it’s not been a big deal.
That could be a comment at what great guys my friends and I married to, that they are committed to the Team Concept of Family and Marriage and that flexibility is a healthy thing
I’m sorry but I will never understand why this needs to be an issue. Maybe I need to be a man for a day in order to get it. I just don’t.
Vered- I wounder how many things could be cleared up if we had the ability to simply be our spouse for a day or two. It may make things much easier or it may ensure that none of us stay married for long
Let me start by saying I am female. I grew up with a single mom, in a culture where women should be independent and strong. When I met my fiance, I certainly wasn’t making as much as him, but I was supporting myself and doing something I loved. But it caused me a lot of stress, making less than half what he did. He lived a more expensive lifestyle than I did, so when we moved in, I no longer felt like I was supporting myself. I was doing things I never would have done on my own budget, and was only able to afford them because of his salary. He joked that at least my income covered his taxes. It made me feel useless. My ego took a serious bruising. I actually left my field, took a job that paid more but that I enjoyed less in order to contribute more and feel more secure. I was still making less, but I felt less guilty about it. Eventually, I did return to my field – the extra income wasn’t worth the loss of joy in my work…
We’ve continued to struggle on this front, especially as topics such as family have come up. It’s not an easy place to be in. I identify with the man who earns less than his wife, but I want to make it clear that women deal with this too – especially when a woman decides to leave the workforce and take on the role of stay-at-home mom. And I’ll also say that the tips offered here are equally helpful for the women out there who have trouble knowing they wouldn’t be able to maintain their standard of living alone.
Thanks for this timely post. My husband just graduated and doesn’t start work until December. At that point he’ll be making more than me, but in the meantime I think it really does affect his self-esteem. And while I could do great being home all the time, he gets very lonely. We’re looking at having him start a part-time job for the interim, but he is going to be studying for the CPA so he doesn’t want to be too tied up. I need to think of a way to reinforce his manliness . . . just thought of one.
I keep begging my wife to earn more than me! I’ve never really had an issue about who works in our family, and funny enough, we both work together. My wife probably wishes I’d do more than her =]
I’ve made more than my husband dating back to the day we met. It started with a $4000 difference in salary that grew over time. Now I earn 3-4x as much as he does. It really can be an issue because:
1) I worry a lot. We cannot make ends meet on his salary (which goes from zero to about $30,000 on a good year). I don’t need to worry as much as I do, but I’ve talked to many men and women about this and have determined that women are wired differently. Male providers just seem to take it in stride. Or maybe I’m just neurotic… That’s probable.
2) My husband has no power. When one person earns a lot more, the power really shifts in a relationship and both people have to work really hard not to take advantage of that situation. It’s easy for me, for instance, to act like his boss and order him around, but that’s not good for our marriage.
3) It’s hard for me to see my husband as strong. This is one of those societal things that Corey mentioned in the blog. I wish I didn’t buy into all of the conditioning that I received as a child that “men take care of women,” but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t bother me. To compensate, I try to notice all of the other ways my husband is manly, like how he can light a grill (I have no idea how to do that) or change my brake pads (ditto).
As I read different blogs out there, not judging others is a reoccurring blog post. I agree that society can be judgmental, often chipping away at the pride of men. How many times have I heard that a guy was a slacker for staying home and a woman was being taken advantage of if she was the bread winner. It’s not true. There have been times when I made more and my hub was just glad for the extra money. He said, “If I have to choose between my ego and the money, I’ll take the money.”
You are so right when you say, “Whatever is brought to the table needs to be brought humbly.” I think that is true whether it’s extra money, education, intelligence, creativity, or some skill. We all have different things to bring and while some may stand out more than others, all things brought to the table help in its own way.
When Chris and I first met, we made about the same amount of money. When we left Florida, he took a huge pay cut (and I was the “breadwinner” for several years) but has now completely moved into his field and is rocking a much more substantial salary. I, on the other hand, quit my job and am making a lot less money.
I currently make 22.4% of what my husband does!
As someone who is a very independent person, and who has always paid her own way, I do feel a little disconcerted about the whole thing. I honestly don’t feel that I am contributing as much as I should.
I don’t think this is a “gender” issue, at least for us. I don’t need to feel like the breadwinner, I need to feel like a partner.
I completely agree, Hayden – that’s the main issue (and what I was stumbling to express myself). I want to feel like a partner, and I don’t always get that feeling when I’m making so much less. I feel like I’m being carried, and that can be hard to deal with.
As a husband who is the “bread winner” with a stay at home, full-time, wife and mother, I often feel that I am not contributing may fair share. The loving, nurturing, teaching and growing of our children IS life. She does my life’s work for me. I provide financial backing and cheer her on from the sidelines. It is hard to hear of all the growing, loving, learning, and living that happens when I am out doing trivial tasks at work. Our children are our joy in life. I contribute next to nothing. When I lay my gray hairs on my pillow for the last time I cannot fathom thinking, “I wish I contributed more financially.” I can imagine thinking, “Thank God for a wife who loved and raised our children for me.”
I don’t think that my contribution is worthless, someone has to do it. The basic necessities of life are a requirement and must be earned some how. After that is when living really begins. Beyond that is what my wife provides and teaches to our children. The day to day grind and challenges that she faces are in and of themselves ennobling and glorious. I include changing dirty diapers: while she is changing dirty diapers she is kissing little toes and blowing on little tummies and listening to little giggles. The day to day grind and challenges that I face are only ennobling and glorious as far as they allow her to continue on God’s errand.
I agree with the others who said this issue is more about partnership than gender. Kelly is right – it does go both ways; a woman’s esteem can be just as bruised when she makes less than her husband and doesn’t feel valued.
I also agree on Alisa’s point about the worrying… it is more stressful for me worrying if I lose my job there is a bigger gap to fill.
For the record, I make about 30% more than my husband.
We are divorcing over this very topic. I am self employed and going through a very hard situation job wise but my spouse sees the present chaos as permanant and refuses to see the light up ahead in the near future. In a way I’m glad that this is coming up so incredibly early in our marriage (< a year) because I agree that it isn’t about the money at all, but about the partnership, as others have said, and that he is the type that most likely would have left me if I developed some horrible disease or was seriously injured or disabled from a car accident or something.
I took my vows seriously and meant it when I said “for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer”. I made a lot of sacrifices for the marriage already (selling my place at a huge loss, changing my name, moving to his house), but the worst part is having him lord over me his higher salary. Right now I am eating sandwiches and can’t afford to go out for anything, meanwhile, he’s buying $700 bikes and hiring private voice lessons!
The funniest thing is that he claims that he would like to be a stay at home dad someday, but I would NEVER treat my spouse who would stay at home like he has to me as far as begrudging me necessities of life like he does now because my business has been hit really hard by the economic downturn and I can’t afford it myself, for the first time in my life.
He complains that his heating bill went up 32% since I moved in, but he had it set at 59 degrees, uncomfortably cold for any normal human, plus heating costs went up this year, lastly, he has refused to let me install the insulation we desperatly need that I’ve got plenty of gift cards for because he’s so controlling that I will somehow do it “wrong”, so he doesn’t let me participate in solving the problem in a non financial way either -infuriating!
I told my parents “I thought a marriage was all about working through problems, not running the moment you hit one, because there’s always going to be another one that comes up over time”. They agree with me, but apparently my spouse does not, which is pitiful and makes me feel so damn lonely right now. I’ve lost not only my husband, but my friend in all this, and I’ve also lost faith that I can ever trust another man to be my husband because this has been so devastating to me.
He did say from the start that he “couldn’t be with someone who needed him”, but I thought that since I was independent and doing decently at the time that it wouldn’t be a problem for us ever, or by that time we’d both naturally have leaned on each other like married couples do and he would feel finally safe after a crappy childhood and be able to trust someone else other than himself, but obviously I was wrong.
This is a great topic to bring up so that it can open the discussion about roles, power and money and give people the freedom to make their marriage the best combination of the three as they see fit.
I work full time while my husband is in grad school. He is not currently working while on summer break. It is a struggle for me – not because I work and he doesn’t, but because I come home at the end of a long day and the only thing he’s done that day is played video games and maybe emptied the dishwasher, if I’m lucky.
The hard part is that most of my income goes to paying for his school. I know that he is grateful, but I feel myself fighting bitterness frequently. It’s also hard because when he’s in school, we’re leading very different lives than when we both worked. It’s become more difficult to relate to one another in that way also.