The hard part is that most of my income goes to paying for his school. I know that he is grateful, but I feel myself fighting bitterness frequently. It’s also hard because when he’s in school, we’re leading very different lives than when we both worked. It’s become more difficult to relate to one another in that way also.

I took my vows seriously and meant it when I said “for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer”. I made a lot of sacrifices for the marriage already (selling my place at a huge loss, changing my name, moving to his house), but the worst part is having him lord over me his higher salary. Right now I am eating sandwiches and can’t afford to go out for anything, meanwhile, he’s buying $700 bikes and hiring private voice lessons!

The funniest thing is that he claims that he would like to be a stay at home dad someday, but I would NEVER treat my spouse who would stay at home like he has to me as far as begrudging me necessities of life like he does now because my business has been hit really hard by the economic downturn and I can’t afford it myself, for the first time in my life.

He complains that his heating bill went up 32% since I moved in, but he had it set at 59 degrees, uncomfortably cold for any normal human, plus heating costs went up this year, lastly, he has refused to let me install the insulation we desperatly need that I’ve got plenty of gift cards for because he’s so controlling that I will somehow do it “wrong”, so he doesn’t let me participate in solving the problem in a non financial way either -infuriating!

I told my parents “I thought a marriage was all about working through problems, not running the moment you hit one, because there’s always going to be another one that comes up over time”. They agree with me, but apparently my spouse does not, which is pitiful and makes me feel so damn lonely right now. I’ve lost not only my husband, but my friend in all this, and I’ve also lost faith that I can ever trust another man to be my husband because this has been so devastating to me.

He did say from the start that he “couldn’t be with someone who needed him”, but I thought that since I was independent and doing decently at the time that it wouldn’t be a problem for us ever, or by that time we’d both naturally have leaned on each other like married couples do and he would feel finally safe after a crappy childhood and be able to trust someone else other than himself, but obviously I was wrong.

This is a great topic to bring up so that it can open the discussion about roles, power and money and give people the freedom to make their marriage the best combination of the three as they see fit.

I also agree on Alisa’s point about the worrying… it is more stressful for me worrying if I lose my job there is a bigger gap to fill.

For the record, I make about 30% more than my husband.

I don’t think that my contribution is worthless, someone has to do it. The basic necessities of life are a requirement and must be earned some how. After that is when living really begins. Beyond that is what my wife provides and teaches to our children. The day to day grind and challenges that she faces are in and of themselves ennobling and glorious. I include changing dirty diapers: while she is changing dirty diapers she is kissing little toes and blowing on little tummies and listening to little giggles. The day to day grind and challenges that I face are only ennobling and glorious as far as they allow her to continue on God’s errand.

I currently make 22.4% of what my husband does!

As someone who is a very independent person, and who has always paid her own way, I do feel a little disconcerted about the whole thing. I honestly don’t feel that I am contributing as much as I should.

I don’t think this is a “gender” issue, at least for us. I don’t need to feel like the breadwinner, I need to feel like a partner.

You are so right when you say, “Whatever is brought to the table needs to be brought humbly.” I think that is true whether it’s extra money, education, intelligence, creativity, or some skill. We all have different things to bring and while some may stand out more than others, all things brought to the table help in its own way.

1) I worry a lot. We cannot make ends meet on his salary (which goes from zero to about $30,000 on a good year). I don’t need to worry as much as I do, but I’ve talked to many men and women about this and have determined that women are wired differently. Male providers just seem to take it in stride. Or maybe I’m just neurotic… That’s probable.

2) My husband has no power. When one person earns a lot more, the power really shifts in a relationship and both people have to work really hard not to take advantage of that situation. It’s easy for me, for instance, to act like his boss and order him around, but that’s not good for our marriage.

3) It’s hard for me to see my husband as strong. This is one of those societal things that Corey mentioned in the blog. I wish I didn’t buy into all of the conditioning that I received as a child that “men take care of women,” but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t bother me. To compensate, I try to notice all of the other ways my husband is manly, like how he can light a grill (I have no idea how to do that) or change my brake pads (ditto).