What’s Wrong And How Do We Fix It?
photo credit: sara.atkins
The dominant question for humans isn’t what’s my purpose or why am I here, it’s what’s wrong and how do we fix it. This question shapes our worldview, our parenting, even our our relationships.
We live in a fix it society. As if everything going wrong in the world can be “fixed.” This idea is largely responsible for the consumerism in society. If you believe there is something wrong or missing in your life, then some company or industry has a product that will correct what’s wrong, or at least make you feel better about it.
Watch any amount of TV and you’ll be bombarded with this idea. I’ve even fallen victim to this with the ads on Simple Marriage – the ones that pushed for clean energy or “green” products (they’re gone by the way). I’m all for doing our part to take care of the world we live in, but focusing solely on what’s wrong is a black hole.
When it comes to marriage, this type of thinking is common. How often do you hear or say “When are you going to…?” or “You always…” Arguments in marriage come along due to focusing on what’s wrong.
It’s important to realize that in committed relationships, roughly two thirds of the problems are unresolvable. Two thirds!
With the amount of issues in marriage that aren’t resolvable, how do you create a lasting and passionate marriage?
It boils down to choice and focus.
First, choose to stick it out. Marriage is work, there’s no way around it. The conflict and struggle of marriage only increase it’s value. The things in life that you fight for have more inherent value due to the fight. Hang in there.
Second, what you focus on – grows. This philosophy is true. If you focus solely on what’s wrong, everything will appear wrong. Don’t believe me, watch only the national and local news and tell me how this affects your worldview. Better yet, watch CNN or FOXNews for 24 hours straight. You’ll likely think this whole world and everyone in it is evil incarnate.
Instead, focus on yourself and your contribution to the marriage. Ask this: would you want to be married to you?
One of the things I’ve loved to do since I was a child is snow skiing. And one thing I like to do while skiing is ski through the trees. The powder’s better, it’s quiet, and the added risk increases the adventure.
Want to know the key to skiing successfully through the trees? Don’t look at the trees! Instead, focus on where you want to go between them.
This principle applies to life as well. If you focus on where you want to go and your role in the process, by default you’ll avoid most of the pitfalls and issues along the way.
Interested in learning more about this? Pick up a copy of A Simple Marriage.
Corey is the editor of Simple Marriage as well as a licensed marriage & family therapist. While he has a Ph.D. in Family Therapy, he only occasionally likes to be called doctor. If you enjoyed this post, please subscribe so you don't miss any future posts.23 Responses to “What’s Wrong And How Do We Fix It?”
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While I agree with the fundamental premise of this article, I can’t get behind the ideas that “two thirds of all problems aren’t resolvable” and that “marriage is work.” Perhaps it’s just the optimist in me. But it seems that if I allow these two assumptions to shape my paradigm, I’ll be skiing uphill.
What do others think?
I have to agree with Nelia. In my twelve year relationship with my wife, we’ve encountered only one problem that I would assign that label too. I would also say this goes for the overwhelming majority of my relationships. It’s about communication. The right words can root out most any problem.
In my opinion:
I think marriage can be “fun work… enjoyable work,” if we don’t let it get away from us.
I enjoy my garden if I go out and prune and weed a little every day while admiring the beauty. If I am absent for a few weeks and the garden is an over grown mess, the work is harder and feels more like work.
Saving a troubled marriage is hard work and the attitudes and resentment have built a history that is going to take dedication and forgiveness.
Maintaining a marriage that has not been previously ignored or taken for granted can be enjoyable.
Build on a solid foundation, or get there if you have strayed, and consistently and frequently maintain and grow. Then marriage can be happy and you can be “skying down hill instead of up hill.”
Beautifully spoken, Marie!! And very insightful & educational. Thanks!!
I don’t know about how close “2/3′s” is to the mark, but I agree with the spirit of that idea. I think there are many things in a marriage that are unresolvable in a sense that, things don’t always go the way you would plan them or manage them if you were living in some vacuum; but a marriage is quite the opposite of a vacuum – it’s a complex, organic thing.
For my wife and me, it’s been about being selfless. It’s about assuming you’ll be doing 100%, not 50/50, because you love your partner.
And generally, I agree with the sentiment that a marriage is work. “Work” may not be the most flattering term, but it is a daily conscious effort at serving the best interests of your partner and expecting nothing back. If, in reality, you did get nothing back, that would be a problem, but the point is the *expectation* of no self-serving reward for the effort you put in.
Just my long-winded $.02.
Alan Macfarlane
Twitter: aljmac
I know I’m kinda late to the game, but I just read this and really appreciate your statement about how we need to assume that we’ll be doing 100%, not 50/50.
I’ve recently made that discovery the hard way and it’s gone a long way in helping me be satisfied with what God’s blessed me with and not expecting it to be different.
Thanks Alan!
Yes! So much of a successful marriage is rooted in our shared flexibility. And if you are the wall of stone, then it is your partner who is the grass below, or the wind above; twisting to accommodate you.
Great statement Hayden. Thanks.
Wow! I had now idea that 2/3 of the problems in marriage are unresolvable.
I think your advice about “what you focus on – grows.” is perfect. It’s certainly been true in my 25 year marriage and it took me 20 years to figure out.
Not all work is unpleasant–I like the garden analogy. It stimulates our minds to work and solve problems. And it brings a great deal of satisfaction when we are able to find solutions. I sometimes think that if I am just patient this and this and this will change about my husband’s MO. But when I’m being realistic I realize that he and I are two different people with two different views on the world; of course we’re not going to see eye-to-eye on everything. But that’s when you have to ask, “Can I let go of my opinion or my way on this issue for the sake of our marriage?” It’s not about giving up individuality, but more just figuring out if things are really worth battling about day after day, year after year. Great post!
Thanks everyone for the conversation thus far. I too like the garden analogy. Work seems to have a bad connotation, but it’s a fact of life. Most everything involves some sort of effort or work. Plus, if everything in life were simply given to us, we would appreciate them. It’s the effort that makes it valuable.
I think “effort” is a great word for it, because it implies something we basically WANT to do and consider worth doing. “Work’, at least these days, implies a fate worse than death!
I love Marie’s garden analogy. Beautiful!
Excellent discussion, which is the direct result of someone having written an excellent post! Admittedly, I’ve assigned “work” and “unresolvable” negative connotations and the proffered different interpretations of these terms are well taken. And for the sake of not seeming the ornery attorney that I am, I’ll save my quibble about the “effort = value” equation for another day. I do think we all agree that meaningful and continued investment makes for a healthy relationship.
Thanks again Corey for such a thoughtful post.
What is the definition of an unresolved issue? I wonder if there are things that qualify for unresolved issues that we don’t continued to deal with because they aren’t that huge a deal. For example, my hub is notoriously late. It used to bug the heck out of me and we’d get into arguments because I thought his lateness was not respectful of others’ time. So if he made me late, then I wasn’t being respectful of other’s time. One day, I decided, if he is running late, I’ll just go in my own car and be there on time and he could leave when he was ready. Now some would see that this is a resolved issue and others might not because the hub is still late.
I have worked very hard over the years in my marriage. I still work hard, but it is totally worth it. Working hard doesn’t have to be unpleasant. It may be as simple as making time to be together or stopping and considering the other person’s point of view. It may be taking time to take care of yourself so you can be a healthier partner.
I also wanted to convey my liking of the garden analogy and add to the last post. I am engaged and currently struggle with the punctuality problem. I like to be early or on time but when you share activities such as holidays between two families we’re late occasionaly and I freak out over it. I must learn to get over it, such a small thing when you look at the big picture but man it’s hard.
Debra : My husband and I have a very similar dynamic and have recently written a blog post punctuality. Perhaps some of our recommendations might be of use to you. http://www.hankandnelia.com/files/time_sensitive_spouse.html
Laurie : In my opinion, “resolvable” is defined as crafting a solution in which both partners feel their critical priorities have been respected. In your instance, it seems you’ve made a decision to ensure your priorities are respected. But it remains unclear whether your husband’s priorities have been respected as well (e.g. his critical priority may be to arrive at the events together). If your solution includes your hubby’s priorities as well as your own, that’s resolved in my book.
I really appreciate all of your insights and honesty abt what you all experience in yr marriage. Coming from a season of complete brokennes and almost the end of my marriage and family 2 years ago. My husband has had 2 affairs, fathered a child with his most recent affair, I have had to face who am I going to be in this? Do I stand by vows and integrity with God? As I see our wealth being stripped monthly from child support, medical expenses and the strain it has put on my marriage, who am I going to be to my husband and my 2 boys? I could go on and on abt all of the realities that I face daily. But, I believe I have been called to show grace and mercy to my husband, for it is he who has lost his way. I have been challenged to love this man 100% regardless of what he gives to me. So, in saying all that, I really think marriage is about being the very best wife/husband you can be no matter if yr spouse is giving you the same. Because, isnt being @ your best always the better way to live =)
Maddy,
There’s a BIG difference in keeping your vows to God in your relationship and being a doormat for your husband to wipe his feet on after the next affair. You aren’t being fair to yourself or your children. It condones Daddy to be unfaithful, (you didn’t mention that you guys are working anything out, going for help or dealing with it or even talking about it with the kids!). Keeping your vows before God is the forgiveness you extend to him but since he’s dragging your family into financial dire straights, plus…staying in this relationship is worse!! You can separate and get you and your children into a more stable relationship life and talk about these things to then especially because you have sons who look at this and end up later in life just like dad!
Tells us exactly what YOU are doing to help yourself work this “marriage” out? All it sounds like to me is that the wife is a doormat for a twice, or more later..cheating, lying “husband” who leaves HIS responsibility to his 1st commitment (YOU) and his vows and lives in the security that no matter how much he beats your marriage up, you’ll be there with your purse of band aids and cover the boo boo’s. NOT a good marriage NOR is it what a covenant to you marriage vows are. Your sons will become husbands one day, will be it be okay for them when dad says; “Do as I say, not as I do?” NO,…sorry and I’m a Christian that believes in keeping my vows but if mine was doing that to our family…I would separate and do counsling but after TWO affairs and a KID????? Sorry both you and your boys need stability. This guy aint giving it to you.
You quoted;I have been challenged to love this man 100% regardless of what he gives to me. So, in saying all that, I really think marriage is about being the very best wife/husband you can be no matter if yr spouse is giving you the same. Because, isnt being @ your best always the better way to live =)”"
I wonder what they’ll say to you in the hospital emergency room after you’re beaten to a pulp because you stand by this?” Or at a bankruptcy lawyer, or at the unemployment office or worse because you “stood by this”. Wake up! If you call yourself a Christian, your husband is called to love his wife as Christ loved the Church and laid His life down for her. Is your husband doing that?