What’s YOUR Big Idea?
Photo courtesy Krikit ♥
Late last week I was going through my Google reader and came across a post from Hayden of Through The Illusion. In this post Hayden was reacting to a post she read from Steve Pavlina and his wife’s decision to explore the realm of polyamory in their marriage. For those who not familiar with this term, polyamory is the practice or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and consent of all involved.
Since I had not read Steve’s writing, I headed over to the source to get everything first hand.
It turns out that in his initial post he discloses his intention of focusing on his intimate relationships in 2009 – namely his desire to no longer limit himself to one person in his intimate relationships. To that end, he introduced the idea of polyamory.
My first thought as I read was that he is tired of his current marriage and he wants to open it up in order to avoid divorce – a fact he confirms in his next post.
After listening to the latest post, which is a lengthy podcast with both him and his wife, I get the sense that they view the role of their partner as someone to meet each of their personal needs – and needs that cannot be met by one’s partner become an avenue to expand into other relationships.
On Hayden’s most recent post (very good by the way), Steve commented… “The truth is that monogamy and polyamory aren’t choices. They’re perspectives. Really, all of us are polyamorous because we all meet certain needs outside of our primary relationship. So strict monogamy is something of a delusion.”
My reactions to Steve’s perspectives prompted me to ask (and answer) the question, “What’s my big idea about relationships?”
Let me explain where I’m coming from. I believe that marriage is designed to grow us up – to help us become better humans. We are created by God in relationship with Him for relationship with Him and for relationship with others. Our relationship with God matures through our relationships with our spouse and our children, and in turn these relationships mature because of our relationship with God.
Marriage is an excellent example of a relationship with God. We can share everything with God, and to a lesser extent, a spouse. The sacredness of marriage – emotional, sexual, and spiritual – is rooted in two people using their connection with one another to push, pull, and prod each into a deeper relationship with God. That’s what makes the marriage relationship so sacred.
The best way to experience God on this earth is in the quality of our human relationships.
~Martin Buber
Marriage is continuously getting dumped on in our society.
In their podcast, they boast about how in their view, being open to the idea of each person getting their intimate needs met outside of the relationship will actually make their marriage stronger. The flaw with this lies in the definition of needs. How do you differentiate between needs, urges, and wants?
In my mind, we have a natural state of being – that is, the way we exist in nature apart from God. And that natural state of being is unable to be satisfied apart from the Creator’s intention – which is for us to come into relationship with Him.
Taken straight from Hayden…
So, yes, marriage is inherently imperfect because people are imperfect. But flawed?
Marriage is personal development boot camp. You will demand much from your partner, as they will from you. You will be challenged to open your being in love, even as you are angry. You will be challenged to fully forgive transgressions both major and minor. Your marriage, in short, is the daily practical exercise of the opportunity to be your best self. And what you master at home, you take into the world.
We are all flawed and often seek for others to cover this flaw. In my book, this flaw is called sin. And the only covering for this is Christ alone.
If everyone is special, then no one is.
If I share everything with everyone, then nothing is sacred.
That’s my Big Idea – What’s yours?
Corey is the editor of Simple Marriage as well as a licensed marriage & family therapist. While he has a Ph.D. in Family Therapy, he only occasionally likes to be called doctor. If you enjoyed this post, please subscribe so you don't miss any future posts.36 Responses to “What’s YOUR Big Idea?”
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[...] the beginning of 2009, I wrote this post – What’s Your Big Idea? In it, I discussed my reaction to Steve and Erin Pavlina’s decision to explore the realm of a [...]
Don’t discount this and please do not think of this as an attack.
Traditional marriage *is* flawed. Your premise is sound…if you believe in God. I do not. I’m not an atheist either and I respect your beliefs and understand your position.
I am not a monogamous individual. Neither is my partner. We have not had Poly relationships, but our relationship is open. We have chosen to get married mostly because of the legal limitations in Utah towards non-married couples.
That alone flaws marriage.
So does belief.
I am very happy with who I am, what I am and my choices. Are they correct for everyone? No. Neither are yours.
My big idea?
Open marriage (or non-marriage) to everyone, regardless of belief, orientation or status.
@Tutivillus- I don’t take your comment as an attack. Thanks for your willingness to live according to your beliefs – and for your comment.
Growth through limitation.
I agree with marriage as a personal development boot camp. Take away the constraints and challenges, and then development slows or stops. The daily exercise to be your best self happens through the limitations of monogamy. Polyamory is easy, the challenge and limitations that will grow you will not be there.
While I don’t believe in God as Christians do, if you replace all of your mentions with “goodness” or “kindness”, then I feel similarly. In my relationship, I have been challenged like never before. This is how I knew it was real and meant to be. Growth comes from not walking away from those challenges and trusting that you will come out of any challenge a better person and closer to your spouse.
Though I would not likely ever choose polyamory myself, I can understand how Steve Pavlina can, given his level of self-awareness and rejection of fear-based living. For me, its OK to live in a world with limitations on your love (i.e. monogamy) – as most of us aren’t that evolved and never will be.
Long time reader, first time commenter. A couple of thoughts I felt drawn to share. I do understand and agree with the statements in the context of monogamy. I also think a universal truth in one area isn’t a universal truth in others. It’s when people confuse the two to advocate the bandaid on their hurt.
“If everyone is special, then no one is.” — I do have to say, we are all special. While I have different boundaries for different people in my life. Maybe semantics of personal definition, but He has each one of us engraved on His hands. It’s why we are called to love and forgive everyone because being God’s children is all of our specialness. Maybe your comparison pool just gets bigger. We are more special than animals to God as He only made us in His image.
If I share everything with everyone, then nothing is sacred.– The only male outside of my dad and brother I share my heart with is my husband. But I also think satan can use this adage in other arenas of our lives by keeping us walled from each other too.
@Lori- Nicely stated. Thanks.
Tutivillus, one could easily make the argument that marriage is the best social convention we have for raising families, whether you believe in God or not. Marriage between two people will always be imperfect, but that doesn’t mean that marriage itself is flawed.
I haven’t read the post on polyamoury, but the idea itself stinks to me. It smells sin and of taking the easy way out. That, however, is my initial reaction. Steve probably has logical reasons for doing what he’s doing, but unfortunately from my paradigm, what he’s doing will never be okay.
Corey, thanks for bringing this to my attention.
@cory huff – You really should read the poly post. I’m not poly either, so I won’t defend it. I just understand it and I understand marriage. I also know that “traditional marriage” isn’t for me. Poly or open relationships probably won’t be for you.
And ya know? That’s really okay. There’s plenty of room in this world for many different perspectives and beliefs.
To answer some of the other comments. I can tell you from real experience that sharing your partner is much different than being monogamous. It’s not “the easy” way out. If you want to be for One, you simply decide to do it and then just do it. If you are open, you have to have complete trust and realize you’ll never have control over another’s actions and you just let go of so many emotions.
That probably caused a bit of discomfort to some. Sorry about that, and I know I’ll never change your minds.
But hey! Thanks for reading.
I read this post yesterday and went and read all the posts about this issue on Steve and Haydens blogs. It’s been going over in my mind a lot. I find it very disturbing.
I don’t have a big idea about marriage, I’m just very troubled about Steve’s wife and children in this situation. How Steve and Erin still call it a marriage confounds me. But then he says himself that he wishes they hadn’t married. To me it sounds very much like him wanting an out and her letting him do as he wishes for the sake of their children. What it will do to them I don’t dare to think – he’s made it clear that he wont hide his other life (or lives) from them.
What ANYONE decides to do in their relationship or who to be in a relationship with is only the business of those in it. There are kids involved here which makes me a little sad. I think Steve is VERY smart and perhaps capable of some self-deception. I would bet he could find a way to justify most any behavior as aligning with his rejection of fear-based living. I will continue to follow his journey.
My wife is out of my league as it is. I doubt I could get that lucky again. She changes hair styles a lot. See, variety.
it seems to me that polyamorous is becoming a buzz word, i heard it last night on a television program as well and for me that was the first time i had heard it. From a personal standpoint this concept or belief system throws a red flag up. How in the nature of the word intimacy can you have multiple intimate relationships, it would seem to be that in some way one person would be included more and others would be left out of that part. it would seem that people would use this idea and term to gain universal acceptance, rather than develop together keeping things at a surface level.
One thing i would be curious of also is the ratio of the relationships when it comes to physical and emotional it seems to me that different commentors may be using the different realms in different ways. I can’t say as i agree with being polyamorous but i can see why people would in general.
My big idea is that scarcity does not equal value.
I think that plenty of things (e.g. experiences, gemstones, sex, love) can be valuable even if they aren’t scarce. I, for one, would rather live in a world of abundance.
I’m not trying to passive-aggressively imply that polyamory is better than monogamy. I think they’re each valid choices, depending on the needs and desires of the individuals involved. But I definitely disagree that a thing is valuable simply because it is scarce.
Tolerance is the buzz word for our age. While I do not desire to hurt or anger anyone with my views, I’m also not willing to water them down to fit in. In trying to please everyone, you sacrifice your beliefs as not having any standards or boundaries is very dangerous. Somehow if I say this is not what God intended for His people, some will say I’m narrow minded and judgemental. I find value and something to love in everyone, but it’s still okay if I really believe what someone is doing is harmful for them in the long run and pray for them just the same.
@Pace – Excellent thoughts! Thank you.
@Lori — Oh, I don’t know. I believe your god intended his children to have a “Freedom of Choice”/Free Agency, etc. You’re putting anyone without your beliefs in a very large box — generalizing.
“you sacrifice your beliefs as not having any standards or boundaries is very dangerous”
I have many beliefs. I have standards and I have boundaries. They are just not the same as yours, that is all.
@dan “Growth through limitation.” ??? Really? That’s a very, very frightening statement. I don’t know anyone who’s grown by limitation. I do know people who have grown by experience and education. Someone who loses their sight or can no longer walk is not “limited”…their experience has grown to include that perspective.
Don’t run out and become polyamorus just to figure it out,
(That last statement was cut-off…sorry)
Don’t run out and become poly just to figure it out. If it does not work for you, *Don’t Do It!* But none of us has the right to condemn adults who are making honest choices.
I’d MUCH rather have a partner who comes to me and says “I want an open/Poly relationship” than one who just goes out and cheats, lies and kills the relationship.
It’s a tough choice, it’s not an easy path. We all make our decisions and live with them. We fall, we get up, we move forward.
I’m kinda floored at the number of people who say things like “they’re both a valid choice.”
There’s so much of justifying any choice as a valid choice. Someone, somewhere, needs to start standing for something. Thankfully, many already are.
I’m not sure why I’m so passionate about this topic, but entitlement and selfishness are hot buttons to me.
I have to agree with Dan in saying that growth through self control is essential. Society at large has consequences for our behavior. Isn’t that what we teach our children, respect for rules? I can’t do anything I want and not have reprecussions in my marriage either. Also, when I took vows and got married is when I decided the happiness of my spouse and health of our marriage was more important than my own selfishness and he agreed to do the same thing. Not happiness as the world describes, because down here there are no absolutes, but by God’s standards. He is our Father and sets our rules. If you’re still interested in playing the field, stay single and play the field. Cheating- both emotionally and sexually- is adultry whether you have the consent of your partner or not. God’s way is not what is broken about marriage in my opinion. Us shaking our fists like rebellious teenagers with the “I can do anything I want” tantrum is what is killing our marriages. American’s arrogance about their freedom and rights will be the downfall, look at Eastern Europe.
I think Steve’s article has fostered some very good discussion. (I know it did in the Tompkins house!) I think that consciously choosing one’s relationship and living mindfully in it, is probably my big idea.
People get married because they think they have to and then put the relationship on auto-pilot. That’s a disaster waiting to happen and a very sad way to live one’s life.
@Lori,
I think you may need to re-read what Dan actually said and probably re-read what I’ve said.
And I’ll say it again.
Your god wanted his children to have a freedom to choose. Right or Wrong. Your wrong may be my right and visa versa. That’s okay! I do not condemn your choice to have a Traditional Marriage. Please don’t be so quick to condemn mine. I’ve lived the values you choose – they were simply not for me.
Have you lived mine?
That gives me the perspective to compare. I’m sorry, but from this standpoint you really don’t have the right to judge.
Now, if your god is real, if he is omnipotent then he has all perspectives and can pass judgement.
I guess we’ll all find out in the end, won’t we. For now, it’s the job of none of us to judge the lifestyles of another or restrict them based on their choices.
(Of course, if the law is broken…that’s another matter.)
Have a great day!
Gods bless.
I’ve learned more about myself and relationships by viewing human behavior as an extension of nature – that as humans, our behavior is governed by an emotional system that operates much like other biological systems. (These ideas are found in Murray Bowen’s theory http://www.thebowencenter.org/pages/theory.html) This theory is solidly based on an evolutionary view of life, and as such does not embrace or deny a view of God as the Creator of life. It’s a way of observing and describing human behavior objectively.
Emotional maturity is defined around an individual’s drives for togetherness and separateness and one’s capacities for thinking and feeling. The idea is that the most mature, highly evolved humans are those who are best able to define a self within the context of relationships without being defined by relationships. Think of biological cells as they become more specialized while remaining part of a larger system of cells.
Togetherness needs are strongest in the least differentiated – behavior is driven by an intense drive to get needs met through relating with others. Better differentiated people have a greater capacity for focusing on taking responsibility for meeting one’s own needs while staying in relationship with others.
I think that polyamory is a natural expansion for those driven by the belief that they will be more “Self†by having more relationships. This drive and the resulting behavior is observed in the less differentiated.
In nature, all pathogens, whether they are viruses, malignant cells or troublesome people, are those that lack self-regulation. Immoral behavior can be understood as a form of dependency that manipulates others in relationships.
When we are primarily dependent upon others for getting our needs met, we will accept and allow anything. Maturity is about being responsible FOR self (integrity) and TO others (accountability).
@Hayden- I love your statement – “I think that consciously choosing one’s relationship and living mindfully in it, is probably my big idea.” Perhaps this can be the year many people live more consciously in life and marriage.
to Tutivillas. This is not an attack on you.
Dan used the word limitation, I used self control, it’s semantics to me.
God still has a plan and future for each of His children that He created. With choice comes knowledge and awareness that there are right and wrong ones depending on whose standards you measure it up against. I chose God’s standards knowing not everyone else does. If you don’t follow God then you don’t see it as a wrong. I know no one goes around thinking hhmm yes I believe that but it’s wrong. We all believe we are right. God does honor choices letting us decide for ourselves. It is everyone’s choice whether to follow Him or not. My belief says He is everyones Lord and God, whether you claim Him back is up to you.
Incidently, I have not always believed or lived out what I do now.
@tutivillus -
I find your comments interesting as they show a dichotomy, you show a knowledge of God in making statements about His allowance of freewill etc. Citing what i understand your comments as saying is you have made a decision exercising your freewill to choose a poly / non biblical relationship style. But your dichotomy comes into play when you say “(Of course, if the law is broken…that’s another matter.)” If the law is broken…Hundreds of years ago a law was put in place saying Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife…
Now I understand you have a freewill to choose not to follow that but that is a law…and I choose not to follow laws frequently especially speeding. But based sowing and reaping or what some people refer to as karma, I still get speeding tickets. Be careful of what you sow, good seed will bring good fruit, i choose to sow into my wife and children and have a rich life with them, but spreading a seed every which way will thin out the crop.
In the end i have and others here are choosing to read this blog to follow an ancient law and focus the sowing of our life into one relationship and the products of that one relationship, granted you have the right to choose not to but i hope you make the right decision.
@jastclark
You’re probably right, I should have specified “Law of the land”. No, I’m not really “Polyamorous”. I have an open relationship with my fiance…believe it or not, there’s a difference. While we do have certain intimate feelings for our various partners we are not “in love” with them. I’d love to explain it a bit more…but I don’t think this is the proper forum…and I’ve already taken up a lot of real estate here.
I read this blog because it gives some great advice at times. I try to have an open mind
I may not share your beliefs, follow the words of your god. But hey! I haven’t met anyone (thing, diety, etc.) who’s right all the time.
Oh, and I’m not sewing any seeds…got that taken care of at 25.
@Lori “Dan used the word limitation, I used self control, it’s semantics to me.” Semantics? Alright.
@mary ann – GREAT points.
@Cory excellent! I’m getting married this year and I’ll take your words to heart! After all, it is my Primary relationship and the one I nurture most (and hold closest to my heart).
From a young woman who is soon to be engaged, I have encountered a lot of anti-marriage talk… even from the parents of my soon-to-be-fiance. It is appalling to me that if someone wants to take a beautiful thing and make it sacred, that people should say “oh no! don’t do that! just live together!”. I particularly value the last bit of the post “If everyone is special, then no one is. If I share everything with everyone, then nothing is sacred.”
It is very frightening to try to begin something so important and dear and vital when the world is so antagonizing!
P.S. This blog, which I have been reading for a while now, is a wonderful hope for me.
Just adding another voice that is pro-monogamy.
I can definitely say that it works for us, and for many, many couples. My wife and I believe it is the best foundation for family and society.
I’m not going to comment on anyone else’s opinions on lifelong monogamy, but I can definitely say that it works, and can work very well. It’s like any kind of relationship: it requires effort, creativity, thought, love, maintenance, self-sacrifice and commitment.
I believe, we as a people, attempt to grey areas of right and wrong to meet our agenda. We excuse poor choices by finding reasons to make us feel good about not living with integrity. There are things out there that are definitely right and definitely wrong. Multiple partners are wrong. It is not just wrong for me. It is wrong, period. The Biblical laws have a purpose. The family is the basic unit for society. If the family breaks down, the society will follow closely behind, not to mention the whole disease thing.
I am reminded of Apollo 13. After the famous words, “Houston, we have a problem” the engineers were given everything that was on the spacecraft that could be used to solve the problem. They couldn’t use anything else because, obviously, other materials couldn’t be beamed into the spacecraft. Well, as you all know, they did it. This reminds me of this conversation. Someone above said that limiting is not going to allow for growth. Yes it will. When the astronauts were limited by materials, all involved had massive growth using what they had to help the astronauts survive. In a marriage, if the two are committed to monogamy, their growth, met needs, and problem solving must be done within the monogamous unit. They have no “out” by turning to someone else to meet those needs. The easy way out is to find a third, fourth, five, person etc, to meet those needs.
Yes God did give us the freedom to choose. He wanted us to choose to love him. Can it really be called love if you have no choice? The fact that we are given choices doesn’t mean that either choice is good. It is not. We are also all judgmental whether you believe it or not. Being judgmental is ok. It isn’t a bad thing. We as a people judge ethical treatment of people, animals, the environment. We judge you for the way you treat your family, we judge you by the number of cuss words that erupt out of your mouth especially if they are directed toward a child, and we judge other people for being intolerant which always confuses me. After all, by not tolerating my intolerance, are you not in fact BEING intolerant yourself?
Polyandrous relationships are the cheep, easy way to play. You don’t have to use your imagination. You don’t have work on growing yourself up (differentiation) because you can run to the next person to meet your needs. What is a more mature person? One who can meet his/her needs with a monogamous relationship, using only that relationship and yourself, or someone who can go through the drive through and order whatever you want for that day. It seems clear to me that it takes a more mature person to figure it out with only that one partner and himself.
My Big Idea? I belive it is learning to live from a place of passion which invites my husband into the story.
Wow, this topic has created quite the stir. I am not adding any controversy, I am simply adding my point of view on marriage. I did not grow up having any “real” ideas on marriage, as my parents split when I was very young. I married at 18 and had a 14 year marriage. I will not say it was a completely monogamous relationship, as I apparently did not know what I wanted. I knew that I wanted attention and I wanted the newness of a relationship and I did not feel I was getting that from one person. I was also very insecure and did not know how to make my life complete by working on myself.
The difference between an affair and an “open relationship” is that the latter is consensual. In my experience, having an affair to achieve what you want means that you are willing to end your relationship if caught. Having an “open relationship” means that you can’t let go of what you have, but you just are not getting all that you NEED from that one person. Do I agree with either of these acts? No! Speaking from experience, neither relationships are “healthy” in the traditional terms. My interpretation of what Corey explained, without getting into the religious beliefs on marriage, you become fulfilled in so many ways in your life – be it by work, exercise, children, spouses, relationships, etc. You can’t get all of that from ONE person. But when it comes to sexual fulfillment, if you are in a relationship, you need to find a way to make it work with that person. There needs to be communication and acceptance of each others beliefs and ideas. If you can’t agree to connect on a sexual level, then you either need to find help or cease your sexual side of your relationship.
My current husband’s previous long-term marriage ended because they decided to have an “open marriage” the last several years. Basically, his wife was not happy any more and did not have the means to become single and survive, so she wanted to have sex with other men. Her husband did not want to lose her, so he chose to accept this new form of a relationship. She was using the “open relationship” to find a new husband, and he used it to find fulfillment on an emotional level – since she already had checked out. While he was married, he tried to keep his heart for her and his relationship with his girlfriend was stifled. However, as time went on and he obtained love, affection, intimacy and communication with his girlfriend, he found it hard to not want to give his heart to her. He stuck with his marriage and insisted that he only loved his wife and would never leave her. In the end, she was able to come to the decision that she could live on her own, and after 13 years of marriage, financial support and one small child, she left him high and dry. He vowed to NEVER have an open relationship again. Whatever relationship he was to have would be fully committed.
Now, after each of us have had our experience with our previous relationships, we are WORKING on our relationship. I don’t think that a relationship would be solid if you did not invest time and devotion to it. If you go into it with your whole heart (not 1/2 or 1/4 – because you are giving the rest to another)you have a better chance at making your relationship last. After everything we have been through, we would never think to cheat or bring others into our relationship.
Wow – what a great discussion! I have many thoughts, most of which have been stated here. I’ll add just a bit…
It is a difficult balance between judgment and personal belief. Our personal beliefs CREATE judgment of others. But at what point do we cross the line and say the act really is “wrong.” That word makes me cringe. It is judgment.
For some, including me, the definition of marriage is easy. My own preference is quite conservative, but my views in general are incredibly liberal and I remain very at ease with many other views and preferences. I have no constraints and it doesn’t bring up any emotion in me whatsoever.
Conversely, I despise child sexual predators. No, this isn’t a post on child deviants, but I bring it up because there are some that believe that act is “right.” So, who am I, and what place do I have to place judgment on ANYONE? Including the most vile I can think to judge (such as child predators). (I’m not making a case for this act – just stating an extreme example of “right” versus “wrong.”
For Christians, this is a black and white choice. For non-Christians, it isn’t (perhaps). That seems to be the main difference here. However, knowing how strong Corey’s faith is as a Christian, and seeing that he can remain non-judgmental and open is a testament to how one can remain strong and steady in their own beliefs, but not be constrained in their own life by other’s beliefs. Perhaps THAT, more than the act of polygamy (or anything else we could judge or consider “vile”), could be the biggest lesson of this post.
@Jennifer Ryan- Thanks.
Yeah, welcome to my life. I loved being married and had a solid monogamous marriage. So did my partner for 21 years. We lost our spouses within a day of each other. It’s turned into a very intense relationship. However,he wants to continue to develop a relationship with the other woman he is seeing. His thought is that we will never be left alone with this other woman in the mix. (I’ve requested that he come up with another man for me, but somehow he isn’t too keen on the idea.) I don’t know where this is all going to lead. I don’t like the idea of sharing my man with someone else. And so, I just take things day by day. I just feel like this sort of thing is doomed to failure. You lose that depth of the relationship that you get with committment.
Jennifer Ryan,
I have read & reread your paragraph about some people thinking child predators are “right” but even though you don’t, you won’t judge. Am I misunderstanding you? It’s possible I am…
Are you actually saying that someone abusing a child sexually can not be called wrong? So if a child were being raped in the street and you walked by, would you do anything?
If this is what you are saying, I’m very afraid for our society. It seems what is clearly wrong and dangerous behavior-it’s even against the law-can not even be called wrong.
At this point in our culture, I can see why some see marriage issues as gray, but some things should always be black and white (protection of children is one of them).
Disclaimer: I’m coming at this from the perspective of an unmarried but committed woman who has been variously (and by mutual agreement) polyamorous and monogamous. I am religious but not Christian and in my tradition, marriage is a contract between individuals; not all will agree to the same terms in their relationship.
Having an open committed relationship – especially maintaining multiple serious relationships at once – is not, in my experience, easier than monogamy by a long shot. (I’m not saying that monogamy is easy!) In monogamy, both people involved start out knowing the basic rules. They’ve been exposed to the script their entire life; they know basically how it’s supposed to work, what is and isn’t usually allowed.
In an open relationship, there are a few major issues that come into play: logistics, lack of support from those close to you, conflicting/confusing feelings, and having to make your own rules from scratch.
You’re constantly negotiating and renegotiating boundaries, which is an incredible experience but also sometimes a confusing/stressful one. Scheduling, sleeping arrangements, physical intimacy needs all need to be worked out. Unlike a monogamous relationship, where your friends and family will generally support your commitment to each other, in a polyamorous relationship they’ll either doubt it, challenge it or sometimes believe that different monogamy rules translates to no monogamy rules.
I’ve found that there are some relationships and personality dynamics that lend themselves to a polyamorous relationship and some that don’t. I’m monogamous in my current relationship; we discussed it a few times early on and he was up front about not being sure he could share me. We update each other periodically to make sure we’re still on the same page as far as where the lines are drawn, and whether or not we want to keep them that way.
In my previous situations there was the right blend of absolute commitment, trust in the relationship and honest communication for polyamory to work. It’s not easy – it’s not ordering sexual partners off a menu for the sake of convenience. Nothing could be less convenient than the hours, weeks, months of communication and renegotiation involved in just starting a polyamorous relationship! But if it’s honestly for both of you then it’s absolutely worth it.
It’s agreeing with your existing partner, at whatever point in the relationship, to add a relationship with one or more other individuals. Not to diminish what you have already, but to add not just another friend or lover but another partner. Using polyamory to run from problems in your existing relationship is a coward’s way out. I would never take the risk unless my relationship was rock solid and my partner was fully on board. But when they are, it’s a beautiful thing. There’s an interdependence that happens; our partnerships and pairings nurture each other.