When is the last time you asked your spouse what sex really means to them?
While there are exceptions to every rule, there’s a good chance a husband and wife will have different feelings about sex and what makes it important to them.
In fact, it seems that our feelings toward sex are largely related to…well, our sexuality.
Generally speaking, men need to have sex to feel close to their mate, while women need to feel close to their mate to have sex.
Very funny, God.
Again, there are obviously marriages where these motivations aren’t the case, but for most of us, this sexual paradox is a very real part of our nature. And if you ignore it, or misunderstand it, you could be setting up your marriage for some real strife.
It is vitally important that you understand your spouse’s thoughts and feelings around sexual intimacy.
If your wife views sex as a confirmation of your closeness, don’t you see why she needs intimacy and romance throughout the day before she’s really interested in getting together physically?
And if you really understand that your husband needs sex as a means to feel connected and close to you, doesn’t it help you understand why he can feel outright rejected when you roll over and tell him “no” after a long day?
Take 15 Minutes to Chat About It
There is unbelieveable power in spending just 1% of your day (15 minutes) sharing some intimate Couple Time with your spouse.
I challenge you to set aside 15 minutes each day for the next week to spend with your husband or wife free of distractions, and you’ll see the remarkable difference it will make in your marriage.
Would you like a better sex life? Yes, that’s a rhetorical question.
One way to make it happen is to spend one of your 15-minute periods together talking about it. Tell your spouse what sex means to you and what makes it important to you. Talk about your ideal frequency for sex in your marriage. Then listen attentively as they share their thoughts with you.
Do not judge your spouse’s feelings on this subject. It may drive you crazy that she says she just doesn’t feel “sexy” some nights even though you can’t look at her without being turned on. And you may not understand how he can come home after “ignoring” you all day and feel like it’s high time for some passionate sex.
Men are different than women, particularly with regards to our motivations for sexual intimacy. You cannot change that, but you need to be willing to work with this “insider” knowledge for the benefit of your marriage.
Control & Irresponsibility Rear Their Ugly Heads
One issue that is sure to arise during this conversation is the idea of control. For years, my wife would dictate the time, place and frequency of our sexual relationship, and this tendency to control the sexual aspect of a marriage is pretty typical for women.
Likewise, you may find that your husband tends to be irresponsible when it comes to sex. He may put all of the family planning responsibilities on your shoulders and not do his part to ensure that the environment (physically and emotionally) is prepared for your intimate time together. Again, I have been guilty of this in our marriage.
There are some great, practical things that we can do to help address the whole control vs. irresonsibility issue, but for this 15-minute discussion you should simply be aware that these are major constraints in many marriages.
You’re not alone if you find you struggle at times with the issues of control and irresponsibility in your relationship, and particularly in your sex life.
Tips for Today’s Couple Time
- Again, this is a sensitive topic and you need to be careful not to fall into the trap of using your Couple Time today to point blame at each other. This is your time to learn more about your spouse and improve the intimacy in your marriage.
- While your spouse isn’t likely to change based on a single 15-minute conversation, you can certainly take this opportunity to shift your own perspective.
- Next time he initiates sex, think about what it means to him before you immediately throw up your Stop sign. Consider how close she feels to you at the end of the day, and work at closing any perceived gaps in your daily intimacy.
If you’re ready for a better marriage, invest 15 minutes and go make it happen!
This exercise is adapted from one of the 28 easy 15-minute exercises in my new book:
It’s guaranteed to help you with your communication, romance, sex life and even your finances. You can download two sample chapters for free at the link above if you’re not sure it’s for you.
As a thank you to the Simple Marriage community for welcoming me as a monthly columnist, I am giving you 25% off the e-book when you pick it up between now and Friday 5/20 at Noon CST. => Just enter the coupon code “simple” at checkout!
We’ve had 24 years of mismatched libidos….with me (the wife) having the higher one. It has been AWFUL…..the personal struggle, along with having to listen to all other women complain their husbands chase them, grope them, blah blah. (My husband said he was pretty sure he could never grope me because that sounded rude.) When I tell them to be THANKFUL, that they would miss it if it disappeared, they don’t get it. We found out last August WHY – along with low testosterone, my husband has Asperger Syndrome, high functioning autism and has never totally understood the give and take of sex. To him, it was his pleasure, period. Not in a selfish way – in an Asperger way. Lack of empathy, lack of emotional reciprocity. Confusing because he is SO giving and tender otherwise….an act he learned long ago as a child to get companionship….and I love it about him. But the sex thing? Oh my….what pain I’ve endured.
We’ve had a breakthrough in the last month…..for years, I’ve not gone to bed with him officially because I am a night owl but I would go tuck him in occasionally. One night unplanned, I went to bed and stayed in bed with him. (He’s been in therapy for over a year, trying to learn things he never knew …..) and I was surprised to find him laying on me, snuggling like he never has. Since then, I have gone to bed with him. Fire has ignited in him….HE needs the closeness before we can have sex. It is opposite day at our house BUT I love it. Things are much improved….and if I had only known about this “going to bed together” thing. See….when we were first married, if I accidentally TOUCHED him in bed, like my body just hit his accidentally while rolling over, he FREAKED. Bought a king size bed to keep me AWAY. We know realize those were sensory issues with the Aspergers…but I sure learned….stay away. So it never occurred to me that had changed. Sex happened only when “nature called” and not otherwise. My needs? HUH? He just figured out 2 years ago my needs mattered (that was a fun conversation…NOT.) And a year after THAT, we learned about Aspergers. 48, a successful engineer, NO one would ever know EXCEPT people who live with him/us…..which my mother did for a while after a surgery and boy did she learn what life is REALLY like underneath his charismatic outer mask.
I won’t even get in to the “literalness” of his mind. When you say “be clear and tell him what you want/need” that has an entirely different meaning at our house. Here, it is “spell it out, possibly show a video…or never get it”. If it weren’t for my commitment to the covenant of marriage and my faith in God, I’m sure I would have joined the other 80% of spouses who bolt from the marriage upon learning the Asperger Diagnosis. After YEARS of pain no one can understand (and let me tell you NO counselors EVER had a clue, EVER figured it out, EVER had any helpful advice…they just stared at our weird marriage and mostly didn’t believe my renditions while he sat there smiling, claiming to never have been happier…..most aspies exterior mask is POWERFULLY convincing….)
I am adding this to say…..never rule out closeness on either side…you just never know. Some people, while completely successful otherwise, can be utterly clueless to the working of the other spouse…..who knew someone needed to sit my husband down and explain that women’s needs are 50/50? No one knew his diagnosis (his entire family has this….) so everyone assumed. I am SO happy now to have found something that does work. Happy happy day!!
Wow! What a story! I’m glad you are finally gaining greater understanding of the reasons for his behavior and seeing some improvement in your sexual relationship.
Wow, Cheri, thank you for sharing your powerful story. My wife is a former special education teacher, so I can relate (just a bit) to the incredible impact of Aspergers. I’m so happy to hear that you were able to find the source of your issues and take action to help find renewed happiness in your marriage and sex life.
Dustin
It is really important to be vocal about what we think and what we want with our partners, it could help us be passionate in every thing we do ,though circumstances happens without notice, its great if we can adjust to the needs of the other
This is such a great, to the point examination of what I call the “cosmic joke”. Understanding the differences in libido between men and women, and working to find a solution is key to a happy marriage. It’s not okay to say, “That’s just the way I am, deal with it.” The whole concept of control in a relationship is dangerous. I also think your idea of spending 15 minutes a day with your partner is a great start. Getting to those intimate 15 minutes can be challenging if you and your partner don’t have a good level of connection already. Jumping into the deep end, without preliminary, can be tough. Couples need to make sure they are going beyond simple “information exchange”. This may require more than 15 minutes at first.
I would argue that the “control” you talk about in the sexual side of marriage has more to do with the low-desire spouse than with gender specifically. Women are stereotypically cast as the low-desire spouse, but this is certainly not always the case. The low-desire spouse, regardless of gender, controls the “time, place and frequency” of sexual intimacy and who is the low-desire vs high-desire spouse can change (potentially many times) in the course of a marriage.
And I would second (or third) that. I am also by a long shot the high-desire spouse, and I get really frustrated when I hear about women who ‘have to’ have intimacy to have sex and men who spend all their time trying to coerce their reluctant wives. First, I would love to be ‘pursued’ by my husband, second, because he does control when and where I can’t afford to insist on anything (including much ‘emotional foreplay’). On the rare occaision he says it’s time, it’s time regardless of my mood, I don’t get to say ‘no’ because it may be a long while until it occurs to him again…
What’s awful about having a low-desire male spouse is that no one has been able to tell me what I might do about it. Talking hasnt helped all that much. He says he’s not opposed, he’s just not very sexual. He has stopped rejecting me when I initiate (which he used to do most of the time), but I have to do it most of the time, and I’m always fearful that he will reject me the next time- which hurts! And unlike the stereotypical recipe for men- increase the emotional closeness, do nice things for her, and she’ll reciprocate by being in the mood, there is not really a parallel for women- there doesn’t seem to be anything he wants in exchange. He just isn’t all that interested.
So Cheri, THANK YOU! It hadn’t really occurred to me, but I am going to see if he’ll see a doctor and check for Asperger’s. Now that you mention it, I do see some of the signs. he also happens to be a software developer… I just never wanted to see him that way because he is very charming sometimes, nice most of the time, and he’s very funny and engaging when he wants to be. I think I was thinking of people with Asperger’s as being kind of flat and unresponsive, but that’s not necessarily so.
Deedon, I hope I helped. Google search and read this article: asperger Marriage- Viewing Partnerships Througha Different Lens over at Aspia.com. Get tissues first….if that is YOUR marriage, he very likely has Asperger’s Syndrome. My husband was in counseling 8 months before “I” asked about and had him separately evaluated for AS ( both our sons. 22 &18, were diagnosed as well.). His counselor was SHOCKED, havinghad next to no AS training in school and then only with children and adolescents. Well, aspies grow up and more research needs to be done, starting with believing the wives who plead for help with this very “who can believe it” story. Since I triggered the diagnosis, his beloved counselor has done research on how to adjust therapy to specifically help the patient with little to no emotional reciptocity, mind blindness, little to no Theory of Mind”, weak central coherence, rewriting memories/history….it is a living nightmare. The wives are faced with an oxymoron for a spouse- the WORLD sees anamaizlingly loving man. But it is an act for the outside world EXCEPT the aspie is honestly clueless and does NOT see this duality. Many aspie wives believe they are losing their minds because NO ONE believes them or can help them. Good luck- seek a therapist who has direct experience with ADULT AS and the effects on relationships.
You may never know how much your post helped me but thank you. We’re having our son (9) evaluated for AS, mild, high functioning but it never occurred to me that our marriage problems (12 years of counseling) could be related to the same issue (smacks own head). I’ve put way too much trust in our counselor who will also probably be smacking himself upside the head. Thank you, thank you. Bless you.
I am so glad you read this and sad it may be affecting you too. What I would have given for another female to “understand” when I was in the throws of it…..the diagnosis is a big “a ha” but be prepared for the grieving…give yourself time. It will be tough but if your husband is amazing in other ways, it can be worth trying to find a way to work it out. Recently found out my husband is SEVERLY alexithymic…be sure to research that…it means “no ability to read his own emotions, let alone emotions of others”. He just assumes (and angrily demands) that he is happy. Period. Has no clue otherwise. Twilight zone. Seriously. But we are better than ever, most days.
We have gone to therapy since 6 months in to the marriage, 24 years ago and NO counselor ever truly believed that my husband was low libido. There was always something I should/could be doing as the wife….even though I already was. How exactly does it work that low libido women don’t find husbands like mine who are low libido? Seems like a match made in heaven. I will admit, though, I did have a warning. He flat out told me we wouldn’t be doing that all the time, but he had just been diagnosed with a stomach ulcer and I blamed it on that. Nope, he was NOT kidding. At first, I think it was sensory issues combined with simply not understanding that there is an emotional component to lovemaking. For my aspie, it was “nature calls” or nothing. (Makes sense, aspies aren’t emotional reciprocal unless they learn how to “fake” it so to speak….it doesn’t come naturally or easily….and it is safe to say most dads don’t think they should sit down and explain THAT to the son….and most aspies have few if any friends, so no male role modeling….) Things have gotten better…..thanks to my perseverance and CHOOSING to love him and who he is, believing I could get through to him somehow, someway. I know he couldn’t love me any more than he does…..it is just that there are some serious limitations and I have to decide to be OK with that or not. The good outweighs the bad, thankfully. Although I begged for help for the last 10 years, my boys were too smart/good looking/athletic for anyone to take me seriously. My “momma gut” knew something was up… and here we are. The youngest’ diagnosis triggered the other 2. Sad but now we just do the best we can. How DO aspies get to be 18, 22 and 48 eluding a diagnosis?? Even with a wife/momma actively seeking help?
Cheri ,Oh my heart wants to sing for joy to finally see that “someone “might get it!Then I am left with the reality that this is a long tiring road . I have 3 kids that fit the many lists to a T and still have never received the label they would need to receive the help they deserve .I have been actively seeking for about 7 years now.As for my husband he will be 40 this year and this is the first time I have heard that label (maybe) being placed on him. I have always worried and hurt for the future of my kids and just thought one day I’ll get my turn or he’ll come around . It doesn’t sound like that will be the case . I think I will always be alone in carry the burden of filling everyone’s needs . Best of luck Cheri! Thanks for sharing!
Thank you Dustin for the great post! I think communication is one of the most important aspects of sex. I know that sounds pretty obvious but it’s true.
I’ve seen many couples willing to talk about the kids, bills, work, etc but they never take a time out for a good conversation around sex. I’m not an expert, but I do know that taking the time to discuss each others “goals” with sex is important.
Cheri,
I read the article. Thank you again. I am going to talk to his doctor about this. I love my husband very much and I know he loves me, and I’ve always known he was different, but only after several years of marraige am I beginning to see how distinct some of those differences are. I feel some hope knowing that I (and maybe even he) can better understand and deal with the impact of some of those differences and how it’s affected our marraige.
Best to you, hope things continue to improve!
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