Woman Up: WARNING! Men Are Delicate
Photo courtesy BatOuttaHell
Editors note: This is a guest post from Hayden of Persistent Illusion. She just released The Woman’s Relationship Bible: How I Converted A Romantic Atheist, a free EBook worth checking out. This post is an excerpt from the book. Enjoy.
I know. You just can’t imagine that your strapping he-man of burliness is delicate. It makes no sense! It’s yet more counter-intuitivity that adds such variety to life.
While a woman’s self-worth is often based on whether she is loved, a man’s sense of self is typically based on feeling worthy.
Any man that matters wants to be a good husband, a respected businessman, and an involved father. Thus he is valued and, therefore, worthy.
Ladies, be very careful about arguing with your husband. You shouldn’t avoid confrontation, nor should you seek it. When you must discuss something with your beloved, do not verbally assault him.
You might think your stoic man can ‘take it’, but what you don’t realize is that all he hears is “you failed me”. It’s no wonder men don’t want to ‘talk’. Usually ‘talking’ means they’ve failed, something they wish to avoid at all costs.
When I met Chris, his heart and soul were wide open. This didn’t strike me as odd in any way because that is how people are supposed to be. It wasn’t until I had a conversation with his mother that I realized how unusual it was for him. People had half-joked that he was an emotionless robot. That’s why, his mother assured me, she knew I was The One. Not only was he more open, he was actually telling her he loved her!
Why, then, did he, like many other men, emotionally close himself off? Because it is better not to feel at all than to feel like a failure.
Choose your battles wisely and make sure they are worth it. Every argument can be a chip in his delicate armor, every criticism a reason he closes off a little more. Gently and lovingly, inspire him to be a better man; a message which is miles away from “you failed”. Because it’s when he thinks he’s a failure that he starts to wonder why he should even bother.
Basically, do unto others.
And also keep in mind that the majority of men are less aggressive regarding relationships, and do not typically bring up issues of emotion. Sure, he’ll let you know that you guys need more milk – but he won’t tell you when he needs more playfulness and affection.
Unfortunately, this works to the major disadvantage of your marriage, as you may start to think that he is the only one messing up. Know that you, too, could use some improvement; it’s just another case of the squeaky wheel getting all the attention.
Interestingly, even though most men prefer dogs, they are really more like cats. Men are not indiscriminate with their emotions, regardless of the person. They will not wag their tails and jump for joy, forgetting the fact that you mistreated them the day before.
Men are more subtle, more guarded with their emotions. You have to earn their trust, and shower them with affection, just like with a cat.
And, yes, dogs are a man’s best friend… exactly because they are like women!
Corey is the editor of Simple Marriage as well as a licensed marriage & family therapist. While he has a Ph.D. in Family Therapy, he only occasionally likes to be called doctor. If you enjoyed this post, please subscribe so you don't miss any future posts.9 Responses to “Woman Up: WARNING! Men Are Delicate”
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Guarded? That’s an understatement. Nice post Hayden, as always.
SO Corey, how does a wife “encourage” a hub to take off the armor and reveal his heart? I want to know the real man. He is so protective that I don’t believe I’ll ever really know his heart.
Be persistently, positively upbeat and passionate. I basically sucked Chris into my own energy and he felt comfortable ‘letting go’.
He also liked that I was equally invested in him living his dreams.
Hayden, this is the first I’ve been exposed to your writing and I find it extremely thought provoking. As a man, I was obviously looking at this from my “cat” perspective. I think your insight is accurate. And in the spirit of being open, I’ve emailed it to my wife and requested that we have a discussion about the dogs and the cats. You’ve made a difference. Thanks.
So totally true. I write about this all the time – we instantly assume WE’RE the delicate ones, and that we can dish stuff out – and then wonder why a man clams up. It’s hard to be soft when you’re angry and resentful – we women have been taught to put up a shell when we feel those “ugly” feelings – I think that’s why we don’t know how easy it is to hurt and distance a man. I think we women are a lot stronger inside, and men are a lot mushier inside than any of us realize.
Thanks for the great post.
In response to Laurie, “I want to know the real man. He is so protective that I don’t believe I’ll ever really know his heart.”
No you don’t! Trust me on this, it will only make you sad and bewildered. We guys don’t think like you we don’t care about the same things you do. Every time I have been able to share my true heart with a woman she has thrown it away. Most men have very similar experiences and this is why we don’t share our hearts.
Women do not understand what we want or care about. This is especially true of the more technically minded males.
Hyden’s post is especially true, when you are upbeat and positive towards your male, he will open up more.
1) Do not laugh at him or think he is joking when he tells you that his true passion is something you find absurd.
2) Do not lose interest in him once you really understand him (This one is all too common.) Most women love the discovery and mystery of a man, but once they figure him out he isn’t interesting anymore.
3) DO NOT EVER force him to face you directly when talking to him about something emotional or personal to him. Sitting next to each other while driving or swinging on a porch swing etc. is a much better way. For men, face to face is the posture of confrontation, shoulder to shoulder is the posture of cooperation.
@Anon- I like your ideas on how to help us males be more open, the only thing I would add, #2, do you ever really fully understand another person? I don’t think you can, that’s what adds to the challenge and adventure of a long term marriage.
I like #3 to help get the process started, then maybe begin to face each other as the relationship progresses. Thanks for the comment.